This Week's Wacks
The 749th edition!
"The one without the blimp"
Available on a daily basis through Radio On-line
Click here for a free trial
March 19th, 2010
You know, if we're going to turn the clocks ahead one hour, why are we doing it in the middle of the weekend? Why not Friday afternoon at 4?
In New York City, a funeral home van was towed because it was parked illegally. What the tow truck driver didn't know was that there was a body inside! I mean, if he had known, he could have used the carpool lane!
Amy Winehouse is coming out with her own clothing line this fall... which will include several styles of loungewear in a very attractive "rehab red."
A 12-year-old Virginia girl who had been constantly sneezing for five months has finally stopped. I sent her a shaker of congratulations pepper.
Do we really NEED 3D TV's? So, we're already sitting around on our couches watching too much TV. Are we thinking if we see the virtual outdoors it's going to be healthier for us?
Over the weekend, we moved the clocks ahead one hour and switched to Daylight Saving Time. There goes the government again, spending an hour that we don't have!
U.S. Census forms are on the way to your home this week. The federal government wants to check on you and the check is in the mail.
Tiger Woods is reportedly considering a comeback in April, May or June. For the record, those are the names of months. Just to be clear.
Both the U.S. and the U.K. are said to be close to losing their AAA rating. Don't know what their plans are if they ever have to be towed.
Stars on Ice says they are NOT hiring Olympic figure skater and three-time U.S. Champion Johnny Weir because they say he's too "flamboyant" and not "family friendly"... not that there's anything wrong with that.
Stars on Ice is obviously not following the long-standing policy of "Don't ask, don't triple axle."
After FOX canceled the Keifer Sutherland series, "24," NBC says they may pick it up! That would be great -- Jack Bauer would not only save the network, he'd do it in just 24 hours.
Not surprising this is "National Fill Out Your March Madness Brackets and Be Way Off" week.
OK, maybe I don't know what I'm doing when I fill out these bracket things. I thought the Lakers would be a good pick!
A new study says that people are healthier after they quit smoking. This, from the Obvious Institute.
On Wednesday, I knew it must be St. Patrick's Day. I saw former New York congressman Eric Massa groping leprechauns.
St. Patrick's Day is that day every year when you can go green and still not care about the earth.
It's St. Patrick's Day, honoring the guy that drove all the snakes out of Ireland and into congress.
There was a 4.4 earthquake in LA on Tuesday... or, as they call it, "a training quake."
They say that, so far, Kirstie Alley has experienced at least 3 aftershocks...
Wait, hold the excitement. You heard that Tiger Woods would be back for the Masters. What was actually said was that Tiger Woods would be back before Massa. Big difference.
Tiger Woods announced he'll back for the Masters tournament this year. Apparently he needs a new green coat for St. Patrick's Day. I don't think we better ask what happen to the old ones.
Yes, Tiger's going to be back for The Masters Tournament next month... but why does the phrase, "We're not out of the Woods yet?" keep running through my mind?
President Obama said over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters per day calling him an idiot. Of course, for every single one of those letters, he has them forwarded to the previous tenant.
Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Dog Sled Race for the 4th year in a row. He's sort of the Jimmie Johnson of Dog Sled racing, except his crew is house-broken.
Today isn't "National Loud Noise Day"... mostly because it's the day AFTER St. Patrick's Day.
OK, gang, time to get out there and hit those after-St. Patrick's Day sales.
I had a friend that worked from home on St. Patrick's Day, realized he wasn't wearing any green and so, had to pinch himself. Seemed kinda weird...
No wonder people were looking at me so weird yesterday. It's "Sure and B'gora"....NOT Sodom and Gomorrah.
Oh, sorry...I was day dreaming. I pictured myself on St. Patrick's Day at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot and there wasn't one green bathing suit.
Texas Rangers Manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine in 2009. In Ron's defense, he was the manager of the Texas Rangers in 2009.
This explains that time he caught sniffing the third-base line.
OK, I know there's a rosin bag on the mound...but why is there one in the dugout?
This also explains why he was chosen Manager of the Year by the baseball writers of Columbia.
Now Toyota's saying there's a problem with their Corolla's stalling. But when one of your biggest problems is cars that don't stop, this could actually be considered good news!
Sarah Palin is campaigning with John McCain in Arizona. Wow -- deją vu!
Kraft says it's going to cut salt in it's foods by 10% over the next two years. I don't know about you, but I'm going to consider that news as good as a workout this week.
Maybe it's just me, but have you noticed how excited people are about college basketball in March? I tell you, it's madness!
TOP FIVE SIGNS SOMEONE AT YOUR HOUSE HAS MARCH MADNESS
1. Doesn't say, "I love you"... instead says, "You're my number one seed"
2. Say things like, "Just 33 seconds to go. The game will be over in 10 minutes!"
3. Started saying "Well, MY brackets suck" on Thursday
4. During commercials, whistling CBS sports theme
5. Everyone on couch has giant foam hands
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE MALL EASTER BUNNY IS AN IMPOSTER
1. Keeps saying "Ho, ho, ho"
2. Instead of a basket, wears a fanny pack
3. Keeps handing out Kosher Cadbury eggs
4. Still rubbing his foot, still no good luck
5. Says he's allergic to carrots
Tim
PS-- It was only a matter of time before Tiger Woods showed up on our E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Empty nests, Mariners memories and more, all here on my blog
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack