This Week's Wacks
The 750th Edition
"Midway to 1500!"
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March 26th, 2010
President Obama has canceled his planned visit to Japan, some say, to go through with his kamikaze mission for healthcare reform.
Heidi Montag has already fired her psychic manager. You would think the manager would have seen that coming.
Spring arrived over the weekend. I know, because I saw some birds and bees asking Jesse James for tips.
Lots of celebrities are showing support for Sandra Bullock. Meryl Streep called her... Elizabeth Edwards even sent her an e-mail... and Tiger Wood's Wife, Elin, bought Bullock a set of golf clubs.
Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, is apologizing to his family for having an affair with a tattoo model. Even Tiger Woods said, "That's disgusting!"
Cheating on Sandra Bullock. Boy, this guy could really tarnish the name Jesse James.
The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. That's why I choose to play it really, really, really, really safe.
Sunday was the 4th birthday of Twitter. It was exactly four years ago this week that the first Tweet was sent. I'd sing happy birthday to them, but the song has over 140 characters.
Rosie O’Donnell has signed a deal to do a syndicated TV show, just like before, beginning next year. She could become the next “Ellen” who became the next “Rosie”.
Congress has approved sweeping health care reform. I suppose if you sweep for a living, this is great news!
With healthcare the #1 topic these days, President Obama has announced that on the day of the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, the kids will all be looking for brightly colored boxes of egg substitute.
As the rest of my life unfurls, I gotta tell you: I don’t remember furling it in the first place
Tiger Woods is starting to give interviews again. So far, he’s told two different reporters that the answers to their questions were between him and his wife.
A new survey shows that 80% of flight attendants say they’ve been injured by heavy, over-packed carry-on baggage. 90% when Tyra Banks is on the flight.
Bill Gates is talking with Toshiba about building a small-scale nuclear reactor. Finally, the blue screen of death will be able to live up to its name!
Bill Gates is talking with Toshiba about building a small-scale nuclear reactor. It would be Gate's first bomb since Windows ME.
With the healthcare bill signed into law, this has been quite a big week for President Obama and Vice-President Joe “F-ing” Biden.
In the words of Vice-President Joe Biden, “We begin F-bombing in five minutes!”
For the first time in our country’s history, a sitting president has asked the Supreme Court for a gag order on the vice-president.
Now a second woman has come out and said she had an affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband. I can’t help but notice the irony that she starred in a movie called, “The Blind Side”.
Just saw a commercial for a shoe store that said, “Imagine a shoe store with more shoes than you could ever imagine?” I tried. I couldn’t.
Two more of Tiger Woods’ past girlfriends have come forward. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Sweet 16”.
Another threatening message from Osama bin Laden. He's particularly cranky these days because he had Kansas winning it all in his brackets.
We keep getting these messages from bin Laden. Isn't there any way we can add him to a "no call" list?
Some members of congress say that they're receiving threats after the healthcare vote and they're afraid if they get hurt, the new healthcare policy won't cover them.
With reports that Jesse James allegedly had up to 11 women on the side, his wife Sandra Bullock says she feels "Blind-sided."
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S SPRING
#1) Jessica Simpson putting up her Christmas tree
#2) Ice Cube starting to thaw
#3) Cubs already eliminated from playoffs
#4) Betty White heading to Spring Break
#5) Charlie Sheen buying a new pair of rehab shorts
TOP FIVE TRICKS NOT TO TEACH YOUR DOG
#1) Speak... like Joe Biden
#2) Roll over my 401K
#3) Sit on my plate
#4) Fetch the dynamite
#5) Bite the boss
Tim
PS-- If you're a woman, you've gotta read this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Sometimes they grow up on you. Among the topics here on my blog
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack