This Week's Wacks
The 751st Edition
"That's like over half of 1500!"
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April 2nd, 2010
President Obama and congress got an "atta boy" from Fidel Castro for passing a national healthcare program. The president couldn't have been more thrilled than if Joe Biden had said it was a big deal.
In Ohio, a bag of cash with $100,000 inside fell off out of an armored truck. The good news: all $13,000 have been returned. Hey, wait a minute!
A new study says that only 1 in 7 people own a cell phone. Has anyone ever been around 6 people at the same time that didn't own cell phones?
I'm going to assume that all these people that don't have cell phones never go to movies.
A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. On the bright side, there are now a bunch of 12 and 13-year-olds who know the chemical reaction of combining Mai Tai mix, rum and ice cubes in a blender.
President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan over the weekend. The last time an American president visited that country, he kept asking, "Where are all the rugs?"
Fox has officially canceled the Kiefer Sutherland series, "24." I can hear Jack now: "Chloe, get me the schematics on Rupert Murdock's mansion."
FOX has canceled "24." Yep, CTU will soon officially be just TU.
Ricky Martin has come out of the closet and admitted that he's gay. I haven't been this shocked since I found out Arnold Schwarzenegger was Austrian!
Singer Ricky Martin has come out of the closet and announced he's gay. Who knew? Uh, maybe it would be faster if we just asked those who didn't know to raise their hand.
In an unrelated story, former Vice-President Dick Cheney held a press conference today to announce that he's cranky!
And this just in: water is wet!
Wikipedia went off-line after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. All across the country, the writing of papers by college students was brought to a standstill.
This is the weekend that we leave the clocks alone and just put all of our eggs in one basket.
President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at Monday's season opener for the Washington Nationals. Vice-President Joe Biden has suggested that he throw his "big f-ing curve ball."
Actually, it's kind of nice to see the president throw something other than billions of dollars away.
Sarah Palin has joined John McCain in Arizona. She's been given the job of letting him know that he lost the presidency. They've put it off long enough.
A 74-year-old man just became the oldest father in Britain after his wife had a baby boy. He looks just like his father: soft, wrinkly skin, no hair, no teeth...
Colleges have begun notifying high school seniors whether they have been admitted. This allows the students to plan just how much they want to be in debt for the next decade or so.
Thursday was not only "National Turn In Your Census Form Day" but also "Oh, Crap, I Left It In That Pile of Stuff on the Desk and Forgot to Fill It Out" Day.
Saw the new movie, "Clash of the Titans". It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Release the kracken!"
Here's an idea: once we hit 10 on the number of mistresses, then there's a news blackout. This would encourage them to come out early, if they want to grab any of the spotlight.
Gotta get out Friday and hit those "After April Fool's Day Sales". A friend told me things are up to 95% off!
THE EASTER BUNNY'S TOP FIVE FAVORITE MAGAZINES
1. Playbunny
2. Good Hutchkeeping
3. Road and Basket
4. Ebunny
5. Carrots Illustrated
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY LAZY PERSON
1. You've asked someone to read you number one because you got winded reading the first four
2. You think that self-adhesive stamps are still too much work
3. You consider using the TV remote exercise
4. You only chew pre-chewed gum
5. Everyone else at dinner has a plate. You have a trough.
Tim
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