This Week's Wacks
The 752nd Edition
"Time flies when you throw a clock"
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April 9th, 2010
By Monday, I already feel like an egg salad sandwich.
Last Friday was "Good Friday"... so named because on that day, not one new mistress came out for Tiger Woods or Jesse James.
Scientists have discovered that toads can provide early warning of an earthquake by suddenly leaving their mating sites. Well, it means either an earthquake is coming or the female toad has a headache.
A new British study claims that Veterinarians are more likely to commit suicide than the average person. Or, I'm sorry... that should be "put themselves down."
On Monday, we were down to the final two. Those last two Easter eggs are always the hardest ones to find.
Monday was the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House...or, as it's known these days as the "Easter Bunny Bailout".
Is it just me or is Easter just different these days? For example, over the weekend, I heard a radio station playing, "Here comes Peter 50% cotton/50% rayon tail".
A spokesman for Jesse James says that he wants to save his marriage to Sandra Bullock and is "a broken man." For what he's been up to for the past couple of years, it doesn't sound like anything was broken.
Tiger Woods has been practicing at Augusta National. So far, so good. He's also been working on his golf game.
Huge crowd at the Augusta golf course today....and those were just Tiger's bodyguards.
That's funny. I don't remember his caddy having long blonde hair.
Tiger's hoping for 68 on the first round at Augusta. Not shots---body guards!
Monday's NCAA basketball championship sounded more like a British sitcom: "The Butler and the Duke!"
I heard more than one Californian describing Sunday's Easter earthquake as feeling like "someone rolling a giant stone away."
Sunday's earthquake clocked in at 7.2 on the Richter scale, although they say Kristie Alley has experienced several after shocks in the 5's.
We enjoyed a very modern Easter this year. We hid the Easter Eggs in our new iPad.
So there's an iPod....and iPad....and on the 1st and 15th of each month, iPaid!
Jesse James says he loves Sandra Bullock more than anything else. And really, how do you know you love her more than having sex with a tattooed porn star while your wife is away making a movie unless you compare?
Apple sold over 300,000 iPads during opening weekend. Most of those buying one felt the same way: "I've always wanted one of these: what the hell is it?"
I gotta say, I've been watching "Dancing With the Stars" and what I find most amazing is that Pamela Anderson hasn't poked someone's eye out yet!
Wild times this week on "Dancing with the Stars" In honor of Easter, they hid several of Kate Gosselin's eggs... and may I just say, it's about time someone did.
Jon Gosselin says he's going to take his ex-wife Kate to court because she's spending so much time on "Dancing With the Stars," she's not much of a mother to their children. The not much of a father plans to hire someone who's not much of an attorney to represent him.
This week on "Dancing With the Stars," Buzz Aldrin took some small steps and the audience told him to take a giant leap and weren't kind!
In Washington State, a man angry over national healthcare has threatened Senator Patty Murray, which will probably land him in prison, which will mean he'll receive free healthcare. See, it all worked out.
Big week for Tiger Woods. He finally gets to take part in a threesome that doesn't want hush money afterwards.
Ex-NFL player Tiki Barber has left his 8 months pregnant wife, who is due with twins next month, for a 23-year-old intern. Not that there's anything wrong with that-wait! What's right about any of that?
I've seen that new Nike commercial featuring Tiger Woods and the voice of his late father, Earl…and I truly believe that Tiger is 100% remorseful and really, seriously wants us all to get back to spending lots of money on Nike stuff.
I think if the world was going to be hit by a giant meteor and we needed to send off a few people to another planet to save our species, all we would need are a few women, Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber and John Edwards, and we would be saved!
Uh, I'm liking this idea. Any way we can just send Tiger, Tiki and John off to a planet somewhere anyway, just to play it safe?
Jon Gosselin has filed for custody of his kids, saying that Kate is not a very good mother to whatever their names are….
TOP FIVE THINGS THE EASTER BUNNY PLANS TO DO NOW
1. Buy lotto tickets and rub his feet for good luck
2. Go after Sandra Bullock
3. Enter his hutch as a possible home for "Extreme Makeover"
4. Fill up a few of those potholes on the bunny trail
5. Get his ear implant surgery
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU CAN TELL THE CATS ARE PLANNING A COUP
1. "Join the resistance" etched in their scratch post
2. Sudden interest in movies based on the French revolution
3. Last person to log in on e-mail: "Military Kitty"
4. Play toy ball always ending up on stairs lately
5. They're purring in code
Tim
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