This Week's Wacks
The 753rd Edition
""One for each of Tiger's girls"
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April 16th, 2010
Heidi Montag is saying that because of her new F-cup breasts, she can no longer go jogging. Why would she need to jog? If she gets out of shape, it just means another afternoon at the plastic surgeons.
I hear she has her own parking spot.
Sandra Bullock has put out a statement officially denying the rumor of a sex tape of her and her husband, Jesse James. That's probably the last time the words "putting out" and "Jesse James" will be in the same sentence, as far as Sandra goes.
Of course there's not a tape. Does anyone use tape anymore?
Reporting on the Masters was tricky this year. After day 1, you could have said "Tiger behind leader by two strokes"... or, you could have said, "Tiger is going for Couples"!
Canadian scientists say they've found a biological link between stress, anxiety and depression. Or, as I refer to those three, "a day at work!"
I think I counted three shows that Justin Bieber did not appear on this past week. Of course, two of those were Gilligan's Island reruns.
President Obama is meeting with world leaders this week, to talk about what to do about rogue terrorists getting their hands on nuclear weapons... especially with Jack Baer retiring and all.
Not a great time at the Masters for Tiger Woods. Tiger admits, it was a little trickier to play while wearing his GPS ankle bracelet.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she's out of shape and "If you saw me naked... ." Hey, Gwyneth, remove that court order and I'd be willing to take the risk.
Kate Gosselin says she is not "a quitter." Obviously, with 8 kids, she should have quit a long time ago.
Conan O'Brien is going to show up on TBS this fall with his own late night talk show. Ironically, his show is going to bump George Lopez's show to the midnight slot. The least they could have done was make Conan do a 10pm show first.
TBS---stands for "The best solution".
You can now stream Netflix movies and TV on your Nintendo Wii. Just to make absolutely sure you don't get anything done.
California has notified Pamela Anderson that she owes $493,000 in taxes. Baby got back... taxes!
President Obama is carefully weighing out all options before announcing his choice for a new judge on the highest court of the land. At this point, he says he's still not sure who he will nominate to take over for Simon Cowell.
At that group summit of nations concerned about nuclear terrorists, they ALL agreed on one thing: in the case of a human hostage, Vice President Joe Biden should be the first one offered up.
President Obama has been meeting with world leaders about how to prevent nuclear terrorism. They've already achieved their first goal: getting "24" canceled, so it'll stop giving people ideas.
Hugh Hefner says he absolutely no interest in featuring Kate Gosselin posing Naked in Playboy magazine. Right now, somewhere out there, Jon Gosselin is renewing his subscription.
Did you ever think when it came to Hugh Hefner, a 30-year-old woman and Playboy that you'd be siding with Hugh?
Income taxes! That's it! I knew I was forgetting something important.
The last sardine cannery still operating in the United States will close this week in Maine. Sardine cannery workers being canned. Seems redundant.
Larry King and wife #8 are getting a divorce. For the record, he DID marry one of the women twice, so it's really only his 7th ex-wife. Just for those of you, trying to keep score at home.
Larry King is the only guy I know who has his divorce lawyer on speed dial.
The exciting news: Larry King is just one marriage away from being able to manage an ex-wives softball team.
To Larry's credit, he played it pretty smart this time: he just rented the wedding ring.
Larry King is heading towards his 8th divorce. Who could have seen THAT coming? Well, besides his attorney in the new Porsche…
Yeah, Larry King said he realized that his marriage was over this week. So, he reached over to his desk drawer and pulled out one of the stock forms to file for a divorce.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE IRS. IS REALLY OUT TO GET YOU
1. The official IRS Helpful Hotline has your number blocked
2. They consider you the "Willie Nelson of (your state here)"
3. Special "Tax Pen" they sent you full of disappearing ink
4. Someone anonymously sent you several prison brochures
5. Their official "Audit Copter" continues to hover over your house
TOP FIVE REASONS TBS SIGNED UP CONAN O'BRIEN
1. Needed center for company basketball team
2. They love that "Stupid Human Tricks" thing. Wait. That wasn't him?
3. They thought it would be ironic for HIM to bump someone out of the 11pm slot
4. Andy Richter insisted he was part of the deal
5. In Ted Turner's words, "Conan? I thought you said her name was Carmen!"
Tim
PS-- "Economic Stimulus" explained in this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- My take on Larry King's latest divorce here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack