This Week's Wacks
The 754th Edition
"They just keep going and going and going..."
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April 23rd, 2010
That volcano over in Iceland is erupting so violently and causing so many transportation problems, they want to rename it, "Mount Elin!"
Paris Hilton is back on the market, after dumping Doug Reinhardt two weeks ago. For those of you looking for a sleek model with high miles...
You know, I wouldn't mind going to one of these Tea Party gatherings, but truthfully speaking, I'm just more of a coffee guy.
President Obama says he's amused by the anti-tax protests, says he has actually cut taxes and they should be saying "Thank you." They're at least saying the "you" part.
It's being reported that al-Qaeda is in financial ruin. Their shoe-bombers are now being retro-fitted to flip-flops.
The government is introducing a new $100 bill this week. The biggest difference between the new $100 bill and the old $100 bill? The new one is only worth $5.
OK, I think everyone's tired of that Icelandic volcano. I believe it's time for a good old-fashioned ash kicking!
By the way, Al Qaeda is now taking credit for that volcano in Iceland.
What is most amazing to me about that whole Icelandic volcano problem is that there isn't an iPhone App to fix it.
There were several more eruptions today and more was ash released. But enough about Dick Cheney...
You know, I can't help but look at that volcano in Iceland and think to myself: "Nice ash!"
There hasn't been this bad a fallout since Radish Salad night at Jim Belushi's house!
New Yorkers are bracing themselves for the first doorman strike in nearly two decades. I mean, how are people supposed to get inside a building?
Well, like they say, when one door closes... it stays closed!
In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he's considering running for president. The good news: he hasn't said yet, "The president of what."
I just saw a commercial for that new KFC "Double Down" sandwich. Do you really want the name of your food to sound risky? Isn't "Double Down" a gambling term?
I mean, if they're going for truth in advertising, why not just call it "the Double Bypass"?
Wednesday was Admin Day? Oh, I thought they say "Admit Day". You mean I made all those confessions for nothing?
A garbage strike began in Seattle Wednesday. Not surprising that Thursday was "Take your Garbage Can to the Dumpster at Work" day.
In New York, the city's doormen are threatening to go on strike for the first time in 20 years. No one's happy about it, unless you include the unemployed window openers.
If you're a boss and you forgot yesterday was "Admin's Day", that would explain why someone spit in your report!
The next James Bond movie--#23 in the series--has been suspended "indefinitely" due to the uncertain financial status of MGM. I hear their CEO doesn't have a Moneypenny to his name.
Kate Gosselin was booted of "Dancing with the Stars" this week. It was the first time a contestant was sent home to 8 waiting children.
Now she's going to have to learn those names all over again.
A new study says that added sugar may be just as bad for you as added fat... which is why I prefer to get all my sugar and fat at Krispy Kreme. I can have a donut and not worry about having to add anything!
The airlines say they have lost over $1.7-Billion from the 100,000 flights they had to cancel because of the volcano erupting. They also announced that the cost of bringing a piece of luggage on your next flight would be going up to $50,000. Hey, they gotta make it up somehow!
Actually, the airlines refused to say when things will return back to normal. It's part of their "Don't Ash, Don't Tell" policy.
I think I mixed up my tax returns with my census forms. I just got a refund of 600 people.
Three bisexual men have filed a lawsuit, saying they were discriminated against during the Gay Softball World Series in Seattle two years ago. After a team complained, they were stripped of their 2nd place finish. OK, your challenge: the punchline can't include the phrase "switch hitters" or "plays for both leagues".
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
OK, has no one else Justin Bieber should get his own TV series: "Leave it to Bieber"?
I'm still shocked about this whole Larry King's wife, little league coach thing. Remember back in the good old day, when moms only gave treats to the Little League players?
Robert Downey Jr. is in talks with producers about starring in the prequel of "The Wizard of Oz". I just can't see him in ruby slippers…..
TOP FIVE THINGS WE WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO ON "IDOL GIVES BACK"
1. The answer to the question: can you give me back the time I spent watching this season?
2. Adam Lambert's report on the Zimbabwe mascara shortage
3. Uh, how much do I have to donate to get Tim Urban off the show? (obviously we gave enough)
4. Ryan Seacrest making the big announcement: he's marrying himself
5. Seeing Simon Cowell's new dress t-shirt (dang, he dressed up!)
TOP FIVE REVELATIONS IN KITTY KELLEY'S NEW BOOK ON OPRAH
1. Oprah's secret goal: to be the last person to marry Larry King
2. Oprah's real name was Uma Thurman
3. Oprah has the #1 show on Venus
4. Best friend Gayle and regular guy Stedman are actually same person
5. Oprah had heard about Tom Cruise and rented a couch for the time he was on
Tim
PS-- Women explained in this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Tiptoe through Tulips and meet my famous high school here
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack