This Week's Wacks

The 755th Edition
"One for each of Hank Aaron's home runs"

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April 30th, 2010

I'm going to assume that as part of American Idol's "Give back" promotion that Fergie is going to give back that ridiculous outfit she was wearing.

7-11 is selling it's own brand of beer now. Guess it doesn't take that great, so that when you do finish the last bottle of your six-pack, the first thing you'll say is, "Oh, thank heaven!"

A new study from Dartmouth College is suggesting that R-rated movies could heavily influence when kids start drinking. That, or being born in Europe.

Sarah Palin celebrated "Earth Day" last week by shooting wolves from helicopters using lead-free bullets. Hey, we're making progress...

The first gay character to appear in the Archie comic books will make his debut in the September 1st issue. This is to counter some of the extremely heterosexual characters like, oh, say, Jughead.

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking is warning everyone that aliens are out there, but we should never talk to one. Especially in Arizona.

Actually, he's talking about space aliens. He's right. People are going to think more highly of you if you don't talk to aliens, rather than running around saying that you have. Think about it.

George W Bush's first post-presidency book will come out on November 9th.....from Whooda Thunk It Press.

The book is about all the decisions he had to make during his presidency and is dedicated to "Eeney, Meeney, Miney and Moe!"

Farts are a lot like onions. You gotta peel 'em off one at a time. (yeah, I finally saw "The Blind Side")

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to close the state's remaining highway restrooms to save money. To make matters worse, she wants to put a tax on the phrase, "Are we there yet?"

And you thought driving through New Jersey took a long time NOW.

A new study shows that people who are depressed eat more chocolate than happy people. Of course, that depresses the happy people and... well, the cycle continues...

A new study among young adults shows that 72% consider themselves spiritual rather than religious and 65% say they rarely or never pray... unless, of course, they're in an end zone.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon plan to renew their wedding vows again. They're either very romantic or very forgetful.

Just think: if Tiger Woods had renewed his vows after every indiscretion, there'd be a rice shortage!

Boy, congress really grilled the executives from Goldman Sachs this week. Especially the part where they made them change their name to Goldman Sucks.

Archaeologists in Turkey say that they've discovered the remains of Noah's Ark. At first, they found something fitting the description of the vessel... but the clincher was finding the fossilized "No Ark Parking" sign.

Hugh Hefner is getting credit for stepping up and kicking in almost $1-million to save the famous "Hollywood" sign. I don't want to know what the sign probably had to do to get that money.

Researchers say that drinking as little as five glasses of water a day can help you live longer. You'll spend all that time in the restroom, but at least you'll be around!

CBS has announced a new show: "Celebrity Survivor." In the first episode, George Lopez, Cheech Marin and Michelle Rodriguez will all try to walk through downtown Phoenix without ID and not be deported.

They've opened an exclusive nightclub in New York City, just for dogs. Of course, if you aren't careful, you could catch fleas.

It's very common there to hear someone say, "Wow, look at that dog at the bar!"

And, "Bartender, fetch me a drink!"

Scientists say they may have found scientific evidence of life on Mars.  Now, are there any signs of intelligence. They'll run tests and check Arizona while they're at it.

The Boy Scouts are now offering a "video game badge".  You'll receive honors if you can start a fire by rubbing two controllers together.


   1. Because she lived there
   2. The earth did that rotating thing again
   3. She had too much blood in her alcohol
   4. A very heavy raccoon nested in her hair
   5. The floor attacked her


   1. Gotta get those Christmas lights down
   2. Flip the calendar over from March
   3. Apologize again to the widow for that ill-fated April Fool's day joke
   4. Try to figure out
   5. Enough showers for those May flowers


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