This Week's Wacks
The 756th Edition
"One more than Hank Aaron!"
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May 7th, 2010
Conan O'Brien was supposed to be on "60 Minutes" last weekend, but an interview with Jay Leno bumped him.
Actually, Conan O'Brien was on "60 Minutes" and said that he "never would have done what Jay Leno did to me." Of course, Jay never would have done what Conan did to the Tonight Show ratings, either.
As they say in Louisiana, "Oily to bed and oily to rise"...
Arizona has passed the toughest immigration law in American history. Across the country, Native American leaders are saying, "Shoot...why didn't WE think of that?"
The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, shot a coyote while he was jogging. Sarah Palin says, "Big deal." Once while she was governor, she took out an entire pack of wolves while doing her nails on a helicopter.
A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fetch your own newspaper.
Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo everywhere EXCEPT in Arizona. There it's just the fifth of May.
In international news, the big story is "My big fat Greek bailout!"
When it comes to financial disasters today, "Greece" is the word.
Greece has received $146-billion for a bailout -- and they don't even make cars!
Conan O'Brien went on "60 Minutes" and said he wouldn't have done what Jay Leno did. If he meant "hosting the #1 late night talk show," I'd have to agree.
That massive oil spill continues to move towards New Orleans. The good news is that it's moving slower than FEMA.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said today he is against oil drilling. At least, we think he said that. He might have said "soil tilling."
The Webby Awards -- the Internet's version of the Oscars -- were announced today. Fans gathered by their computer screens, lining the red mouse pad.
I became suspicious that my parents didn't like me when they sent me away to water boarding school.
That guy who tried to blackmail David Letterman has begun serving his jail time. I'm pretty sure the home office is working on a top ten list of things the guy's going to have to do while in prison.
Time to get out there and hit those "After Cinco de Mayo Sales"!
Pamela Anderson was sent home packin' on "Dancing with the Stars" this week... although she was pretty much packed when she got there.
In Philadelphia, security guards tasered a fan that ran out on the field. So, being a Seattle Mariners fan, I have a question: when can we start using them on the team?
Arizona, in a nutshell: "Mucho Messed-up-o"
American Idol judge Randy Jackson was attacked by a dog today and no one came to help him. He kept yelling, "Dog! Dog!" and everyone around him said, "Randy, you say that too much!"
A 100-ton concrete and steel box is going to be dropped on that underground oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, to see if it stops the leak. If it does, they next plan to try one on Joe Biden.
BP says they'll pay for all of the clean-up costs for the spill in the Gulf and promise that it will never happen again (until the next time).
At the same time, BP unveiled their new company logo: two fingers being crossed.
If only this was television--then the cast of "Glee" could sing that oil leak closed.
According to the NYPD, the most stolen cars in New York City are Toyotas. This explains why the thieves can't be stopped-the cars can't be stopped!
A new study claims that one in 10 people will answer a text during sex! The most usual response? "OMG, OMG, OMG!"
I suppose that's better than "LOL, LOL, LOL".
TOP FIVE OVERUSED PHRASES ON ''AMERICAN IDOL''
1. Simon, PLEASE don't leave!"
2. "If I may be honest!"
3. "Sounds so karaoke!"
4. "Make it your own!"
5. "Dog!"
TOP FIVE THINGS CONAN SAID DURING HIS 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW
1. This year for Thanksgiving, he's having peacock
2. He's going to hit the tanning booth and work up to dark pale
3. He's going to find someone for that lonely bear
4. "TBS rocks!"
5. "Wah! Wah! Wah!"
Tim
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