This Week's Wacks
The 760th Edition
"That's the spirit plus a zero!"
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June 4th, 2010
Mariah Carey has dropped out of the next Tyler Perry movie, which she was supposed to start filming next month... fueling pregnancy rumors. I highly doubt that Tyler Perry is... ... oh, you mean Mariah! Sorry.
Here's my philosophy: I'm all for off-shore drilling and getting oil out of the ground... but not until we first figure out a way of getting it out of our ocean!
If we all just remember the things we're not supposed to forget, everything will be just fine.
A new study claims that people who don't brush their teeth very well are more likely to have heart disease. So just how far down should I be brushing?
A Massachusetts man was taken to the hospital after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. His boss is upset because he got a little behind in his work.
BP says their "top kill" plan is working. Wait, their oil leak has started killing things and that's part of the plan? I'm going to suggest a new plan.
A BP official says he's handling the oil leak crisis much like most Americans would -- he's buying lottery tickets and hoping for a miracle.
Sarah Ferguson told "Inside Edition" she would love to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." A spokesperson for the show was quoted as saying, "When pigs dance!"
A 60-year-old woman in China just gave birth to twins. She says she can't wait for them to grow up and have their own kids so she can be a grandma.
The good news about being a 60-year-old new mom is that the new dad can handle those middle of the night feedings... since he's already up and going to the bathroom.
Now that Memorial Day has come and gone, I can finally start wearing my white spanks!
"Prince of Persia" was based on an old Atari game and didn't do that well over the holiday weekend. Can "Pong: The Movie" be far behind?
The list of the world's best airlines came out this week and not a single American airline made it in the top 10. To make matters worse, all the American airlines showed up for the awards two hours late.
Funny, but at the awards ceremony, they handed out goodie bags... and while the goodies were free, they charged $25 for the bags.
Al & Tipper Gore have separated. That's the bad news. The good news is that this means Al could win another Nobel Prize for his research on "marital cooling."
He invented the divorce, you know.
My guess is that if this goes to trial, the last place Al will want to see this settled in court is in Florida.
By the way, this weekend's Wacky Week Couples Retreat with Al & Tipper Gore has been canceled.
The Euro has hit it's lowest mark in four years. There has never been a better time to buy a failing country.
Heidi Montag has moved out of the house she shared with Spencer Pratt. Spencer had to admit, there were parts of her that he'd miss. Mostly the newer ones.
Paul McCartney says that President Obama is a great guy and that all of his critics should leave him alone. In his words: "Let him be, Let him be, Let him be, Let him be."
Cameron Diaz tells Vogue magazine that part of her secret to feeling young is lots of sex. I guess that means why I feel so old isn't a secret.
Heidi Montag says she isn't going to be sad about her breakup with Spencer Pratt. She says she's going to put a smile on her face. I believe the appointment with the plastic surgeon is today at 3.
Patrick Stewart has been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Which means from now on, Star Trek fans will call him Sir Captain Picard.
TOP FIVE THINGS I'VE NOTICED ABOUT A 4-DAY WORK WEEK
1. I'm still only at work for five minutes before asking, "Is it Friday yet?"
2. No Monday. What's not to love?
3. I can never keep the days straight
4. I resent the boss 20% less
5. Not as good as a 3-day week, but close
TOP FIVE WAYS TO TELL YOUR LIFE IS A CLICHÉ`
1. You hate clinches and avoid them like a plague! Doh!
2. You went to an early bird breakfast and they served worms
3. Mick Jagger tells you he refuses to gather moss
4. Your neighbor's grass is actually greener
5. You were going on a cruise and your ship has sailed
Tim
PS-- Wow, it's like BP planned it all along in our E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Goodbye, Griffey and the newest member of the family on my blog here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack