This Week's Wacks
The 761st Edition
"Babe Ruth's Single Season Record plus 700!"
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June 11th, 2010
Rush Limbaugh plans to say "I do" for the fourth time this weekend, unless BP finds something big enough to plug that hole.
Actress Rue McClanahan has died at the age of 76. She was one of the "Golden Girls." To give you an idea of how long ago that series was on TV, it was back when a woman named "Blanche" could be considered sexy.
Fran Drescher says that her ex-husband is now gay. I wonder what could have driven him to that? Not that there's anything wrong with driving someone to that.
Wow, really rough day on the stock market today. Prices took a dive, earnings were down, Goldman-Sacks ran out of gourmet coffee filters...
McDonalds is recalling their Shrek drinking glasses because they're tainted with Cadmium, which could cause "long term adverse health effects." ...you know, like the food!
From my buddy, Skip Tucker. Note to John Mayer: Saying the very phrase 36 times in one song is, in itself, the definition of a failure to "Say What You Need to Say."
Rush Limbaugh married for the fourth time over the weekend. He had blamed his three failed marriages on the previous administrations.
The minister couldn't resist padding his part. During the vows, he said to Rush, "If so, then signify by saying 'I do'... again!"
Elton John was paid $1-million to sing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding, although guests admit it was a little hard to hear him from the closet.
Of course, then there's Larry King, who reviews to his first four marriages as "his dating years."
As they say in Louisiana, the oily bird gets the worm.
It's looking like more and more, California will become the first state to ban plastic bags... except, of course, those used in implants.
In California, you can walk up to any man on the street and while you may not be able to understand what he's saying or recognize the language he's speaking... he could actually be the Governor!
Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan and his wife Ilusion have announced they're splitting after 16 years of marriage. He says his happiness was just her.
Actually, his wife complained that he never showed her any affection. He said he'd whistle at her, but only dogs could hear it.
You know, I tried Improv once, but I just couldn't remember my lines.
Elton John is said to have gotten $1-million for singing at Rush Limbaugh's 4th wedding. Imagine how much he'll make at his 5th!
I imagine Sir Elton sang his song, "The One." When it comes to Rush Limbaugh, I can't think of a bigger one.
Gee, if Rush remarries one of his previous wives, he could always hire Elton back to sing, "The Bitch is Back!"
You know, there's going to come a time when you'll be saying, "I'm old enough, I remember when there was only salt water in the Gulf of Mexico."
Is sexism still alive? That's a great question, little lady.
McDonald's saw an increase of 4.8% in May. Funny, so did I!
In the latest satisfaction index, most Americans are very unhappy at having to keep answering surveys!
The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, went out of business this week. Not surprising. Each plane was divided up into 3 sections: 1st class, coach and martyr. Yeah, like I'm going to fly on THAT airline.
What really hurt business was that $2500 per suicide bomber surcharge.
A surgeon in Florida was fined $5,000 for removing the kidney of a patient instead of the gallbladder. The surgeon said he was sorry and that he meant that "from the bottom of my liver."
The BP oil spill is now over 50 days old, but seriously: shouldn't that have all been covered by the warranty?
Yeah, to be honest, I am kinda regretting that "BP" tattoo I got last year.
There's a rumor that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Apparently it was started by a Russian man who said he could them from his front porch.
Actually, when I hear Sarah Palin's name, I've always thought of two big boobs: George Bush and Dick Cheney. (rimshot, please)
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED A VACATION
1. This morning, you didn't park in your boss's spot, you parked on your boss
2. When you staple papers, you hear them scream
3. You yelled at the copy machine and swear that it yelled back
4. The beta fish on your desk has written "Go" in the muck on the tank wall
5. After a long hard week, you found out it's only Monday
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG WEEK
1. A new popularity poll is out and you were beaten by BP
2. Your ex-wife is quoted in the "Bad Sex" edition of Cosmo
3. All 10 of the messages on the answering machine are from a guy asking, "Is he gone yet?"
4. No one told you the company was moving over the weekend
5. Your "Employee of the Year" award was just recalled
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT NEW BASEBALL PITCHER IS AN ALIEN
1. Sits in dugout, yelling "Vaporize the Umpire!"
2. Has worn enclosed helmet ever since you've met him
3. Hard time fitting antennas under hat
4. Able to pitch with one arm and protect both sides of the field with the other two arms
5. That amazing anti-gravity pitch gives it away.
Tim
PS-- Some pretty cool tips from sister Debbie make up this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Saluting a great guy and a cool restaurant find on my blog here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack