This Week's Wacks

The 762nd Edition
"And I keep track because......?"

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June 18th, 2010

Archeologists have discovered the world's oldest leather shoe -- a size 7 -- in a cave in Armenia. Carbon dating put the age of the shoe, made from cow hide, at 5,500 years. Finally, our chance to put the Nordstrom exchange policy to the ultimate test.

Even though it was a size 7, they think the shoe was actually worn by a man: Aluous Bundiess.

According to an internal email, some of the brass at General Motors want to stop calling Chevrolets "Chevy's," like we all do. Somewhere, Don McClean is trying to figure how to smooth out, "Took my Chevrolet to the levy but the levy was dry."

I wonder how Chevrolet Chase feels about all this.

I don't see the problem with those horns at the World Cup games. I mean, maybe when you sleep with someone who snores, you learn to tune those things out.

Piers Morgan is going to replace Larry King. No, not as in "poolboy" replacement....this would be on his CNN show.

BP is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to improve their public image. Ironically, that's from money they earned by selling oil that didn't get away, which if that were the case for all of it, they wouldn't have needed to spend that money to begin with.

Hopefully the PR will help out their image better than their recycled Shrek glasses giveaway.

That chain-smoking kid from Indonesia is said to have cut down to just 15 cigarettes a day. What's been really tough on his parents is finding a day care center that allows smoking.

A man who pled guilty to stalking Ryan Seacrest is going to get two years in prison to think about it. I had wondered what happened to Brian Dunkelman.

52-year-old artist Thomas Kincade was arrested for alleged drunk driving last Friday night in Monterey, California. I guess he was so intoxicated, he couldn't draw a straight line accentuated with subtle light.

Scientists say that the moon may have 100 times more water than previously thought. A spokesperson for BP said, "Awesome! We've got a new place to drill."

The comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" ran for the last time on Sunday. They had tried to modernize the strip by having Annie say things like "Bleepin' Lizards," but it just wasn't happening.

Got this joke from a friend (thanks, Jaley)--BP is going to put a giant wedding ring around that leaking pipe, hoping that will make it stop putting out.

President Obama said in his speech Tuesday that BP now stands for "Bill Payer".

Boston Celtics had a night off Tuesday night. Too bad they had a game against the Lakers.

Larry King says he's moving to New York City. I'm assuming because there are fewer pool cleaners.

In Ohio Monday night, lightning struck and destroyed a 62-foot tall statue of Jesus. Obviously, somebody wasn't very happy with the artist.

President Obama spoke to the nation Tuesday night, saying that American taxpayers will not have to foot the bill for the big Gulf oil spill. Nope, BP will pay, no matter how gasoline they have to sell at inflated prices and... hey, wait a minute!

Robert Pattinson said in an interview that he has nightmares that he dies early, at age 30. Good thing he's a vampire.

A friend of mine wrote on Facebook that his coffee pot of 20 years had died. I asked him if he wanted Gary Coleman's ex-wife to come over and unplug it. Too much?

Devon James, porn star and one of Tiger's mistresses, says she actually had one of Tiger Woods' children 9 years ago. Well, isn't that par for the course?

*We hadn't really asked her the question, but I suppose she's heard the question, "Who's your daddy?" so much, she was compelled to answer.

*Police in New York are looking for a woman known as the "Botox Bandit" who has been passing bad checks in order to get spa treatments. She's described by police as "unarmed and emotionless."

*BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. I think they were those things he was riding around on in "Waterworld."


   1. Back of referees shirts show that they accept VISA and Mastercard
   2. Third quarter score has Lakers up by two. It's only the second quarter
   3. The refs allow more traveling than you'd see on the Vacation Channel
   4. Championship trophies were engraved a month ago
   5. Kobe Bryant called for five fouls because he missed a payment


   1. You can use your ventriloquist skills to say, "Is that thing under me again??"
   2. You want to know how it looks with your new square pants
   3. Because if it was on your feet, you'd keep tripping
   4. You like to clean the bathroom while standing on your head
   5. You hope to absorb ideas


   1. Their official logo is NOT a picture of Justin Bieber
   2. Official is not spelled with an "sh"
   3. The name on the back -- Barry Bonds -- uh, he didn't play soccer
   4. "I take a world cup" is not their official slogan
   5. World is spelled with an "I"


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