Special greetings to all of the seniors celebrating "In Depends Dance Day" this weekend.
A rich woman in Miami has died and left $3 million to her pet Chihuahua but only $1 million to her son. If I were the dog, I'd spend most of my money on security.
Congress has approved some major changes to the banking system that should finally, once and for all, streamline how CEO's get their bonus's.
Scientists in Geneva say that by smashing subatomic particles together, they can come very close to replicating the Big Bang that created the universe. Now, that may sound like quite an undertaking, don't worry: BP has offered to help.
In case you haven't heard, the U.S. has been eliminated from the World Cup Soccer tournament. Now you can not care even less.
Also in World Cup, Germany defeated England. Out of habit, England was waiting for us to come to their rescue.
Sex has been officially banned on board the International Space station. That makes one less use for Tang.
A new study shows that spouses cause more stress in your life than bosses. There's a difference?
Tar balls are starting to wash up on Gulf shores thanks to that big oil spill. Local residents are so upset, they want to grab the CEO of BP and ocean and feather him!
A report says that Katie Couric turned down Larry King's job. As hosting his show, not being wife #9.
Sandra Bullock and Jesse James' divorce was finalized in Texas last week. Hey girls, he's available!
The Air Force says it may drop its entire B-1 bomber fleet to save money. I know several Bingo players that are hoping if they drop the B-1, they'll chose N-45.
In New York, 10 people were arrested on charges of being Russian spies. For the record, none of them were that Salt woman who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie.
Sandra Bullock's divorce to Jesse James is now complete. That was quick. Obviously, BP had nothing to do with it.
Megan Fox got married last week. Guess I'll just take this ring back...
Not mine, but funny line: They've finally figured out a way to get a car to run on water. However, only water from the Gulf of Mexico
Big earthquake in southern Mexico on Wednesday. Damage was expected to be well over $10.
We found out our neighbors are Russian spies, but we're not turning them in until after the 4th of July. They're in charge of fireworks.
Spam is pretty easy to figure out. I mean, c'mon--didn't you ever wonder how a deposed African Prince got your email address in the first place? And why would he be trying to sell you Viagra?
We really have things mixed up here in America. Couple of weeks of hearings and congress can approve a Supreme Court Judge. Months and months pass by and we still don't know who will replace a judge on American Idol.
My buddy Fitz tells me that LeBron James has finally chosen his team: Team Jacob!
There's a new movie out called, "Airbender". I usually have that problem when I eat too many radishes.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A REAL LIVE NEPHEW OF YOUR UNCLE SAM
1. You stuck a feather in your hat and called it "Macaroni"
2. Last week at the track, you won on a horse called "Yankee Doodle Dandy"
3. When you bought fireworks, the total came to 17-76
4. You look real good in red, white & blue
5. You were born on the 4th of July
TOP FIVE PATRIOTIC PHRASES IF FAST FOOD HAD BEEN AROUND
1. "We the people, in order to form a more perfect onion ring... "
2. "Damn the Double Down, full cheese ahead"
3. "A penny saved is 1/79th of a taco at Taco Bell
4. "My only regret is that I have but one Happy Meal to give for my country"