This Week's Wacks
The 766th Edition
"766. Great name if Satan ran a convenience store. No, that would be 7-666"
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July 16th, 2010
Congratulations to LeBron James, who is signing with his brand-new team, the Miami Heat... although, I'm still a bit mad at him for not sending a Father's Day card this year.
LeBron answered questions on Twitter during his one-hour decision TV special. For example, someone asked why he chose Miami and LeBron Tweeted: "While all of the teams that I talked to had merit and part of me really wanted to stay in Cleveland, the reason I chose Miami most of all was... ... " Damn that 140 character limit!
Kellogg's has recalled 28 million boxes of cereal like Sugar Smacks after people noticed a bad odor. Apparently Tony the Tiger really needed a bath.
Lindsay Lohan's attorney has resigned... although, I imagine with a client facing 180 days worth of jail and rehab, things might slow down a bit.
The U.S. has done a Spy-Swap with Russia, trading 4 of the ones we captured for 10 of ours... plus two future draft picks.
I'm getting to be at the age where Tylenol is having better recall that I am.
It's very frustrating these days. I go to the store to buy Tylenol, there have been so many recalls that they don't have it and then I get a headache. Such a vicious cycle.
Three new studies show that lots of physical activity, regular tea-drinking and sufficient vitamin D levels can help you fight off dementia. Bottom line: you'd be crazy not to try it. But then again, if you don't maybe you're already there.
The Swiss Ministry of Justice has decided not to extradite film director Roman Polanski to the United States. Well then, I hope all of their cheese has holes in it.
At what point do we start skimming out the ocean and just let it fill with oil? I mean, think of all the money we'd save on having to move it around: it would be right there!
The Village People won't be changing their hit song "Y.M.C.A." just because the YMCA is now known officially as just "the Y." Remember, it takes a village to have village people.
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is dead of a heart attack. I'm shocked: who knew he had a heart?
Not only three minutes into heaven and he fired St. Peter, replaced him with Billy Martin and then fired him again for old times' sake.
My prayer: "I could have been Norwegian, like author Henrik ibsen: But most of all, I thank you Lord, for not being born Mel Gibson"
Never go grocery shopping at the same store as LeBron James. I got behind him last night, the checker asked him "Paper or plastic?" and I had to sit through a 1-hour ESPN decision special before he finished.
Switzerland says no extradition for Roman Polanski, so he won't be facing 10-20 years for dating in that same age range.
Tip of the day: if your caller ID says Mel Gibson, DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
Good news: they've put a new cap on Ron Howard... and so far, it's staying.
We found out how the "Barefoot Bandit" was able to avoid capture by the police for so long: he wore shoes! "Nope, can't be him. He's got shoes!"
Those recordings of Mel Gibson are pretty harsh. Even Al Qaeda has denounced
them and called the recordings "way too mean".
Whoopi Goldberg defended Mel Gibson, saying he's not a racist. Mel tried to
call and thank Whoopi, but she was afraid to answer the phone.
Forget the Gulf of Mexico oil leak for now: how do we put a plug on Mel
Gibson?
Apple says enough is enough, they're going to make an announcement about
the iPhone 4 on Friday. To make it interesting, they've hired Mel Gibson to
do it.
Apple says that there really haven't been that many issues with the iPhone
4. In fact, they only problems they've heard about is when people try to use
them as phones.
Bristol Palin is engaged to the father of her love child, Levi Johnston.
Bristol's mom, Sarah, says this is wonderful news for both her daughter and
her grand-bastard.
It's the old classic love story: boy meets girl, boy knocks up girl, girl's
mom runs for vice-president, girl has baby, boy poses for Playgirl, boy
apologizes to family, boy and girl get engaged without telling family.
TOP FIVE FORGETTABLE MOMENTS OF THE FAMILY CAMPING TRIP
1. At camp sing-along, you were asked to hum.
2. Having to be rescued after that half-mile hike
3. Discovering why you don't sleep with a pocket knife on the air mattress
4. After passing it around, everyone discovered what poison ivy looks like
5. Instead of S'mores, everyone wanted S'less
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE TITLES FOR THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE
1. "Indiana Jones and I can't get up!"
2. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Bowersox"
3. "Indiana Jones and the Last Crew Cut"
4. "Raiders of the Lost Early Bird Special"
5. "Indiana Jones and the Flatulence of Doom"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS-- It's the story of the Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart. Check out this week's E-Mail of the Week!
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