This Week's Wacks

The 767th Edition
"767?  Boy, that's a stretch!"

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July 23rd, 2010

Today was a great day for Mel Gibson. There were no new tapes of him released.

I was waiting for Apple's big announcement on Friday and expecting hear Steve Jobs say, "Oh, heck, I'm just going to switch to a PC".

Or, we'd like to announce our newest product: iDuctTape.

So Apple announced Friday that they're going to hand out special covers to all iPhone 4 users, so they can practice safe sucks.

I bought an invisible fence, to try and keep my dog in the yard, but they took it back. I tried to pay with an invisible check. They wouldn't got for it.

Consumer confidence is at an all-time low. When asked how they were feeling, most Americans wanted Mel Gibson to answer for them.

Paris and Nicky Hilton are on a yacht off the coast of Sardinia. Can someone explain: when they go on a vacation like that, what are they on vacation from?

Jennifer Aniston launches her new perfume at Harrod's in London this week. I believe it's called "Dumped." (or Pittless)

Weird night last night. I had a dream I went and saw that new Leonardo DiCaprio movie, fell asleep during it and ended up back home asleep in bed.

At least my top's still spinning. Wait a minute...

Paris Hilton is laughing off reports that she's been arrested for using pot. In fact, she's been laughing now for two hours.

I'm really mad at Apple about this iPhone-4 thing. But the good news is, there's an ap for that.

My friend Skip Tucker went and saw "Inception" and said it seemed like it was 10 hours long. I told him it only seemed that long at THIS level.

English is such a tricky language. Kindling is what you use to start a fire, not starting a fire using a Kindle. Lesson learned.

A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack... unless, of course, you're a dog.

Mel Gibson is apparently moving back to Australia. He says the United States is "too oily."

I just bought one of those new iTV's from Apple. They're great. The only problem is, you can't watch any shows.

Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. No word yet which double-wide the wedding will be held at.

King Tut will visit Denver and New York this summer. How did it get to the point where a 3,000-year-old mummy is going on better vacations than I am?

Just for laughs, in New York, they're going to put a LeBron James jersey on him.

By then, A-Rod should have moved on and he can start dating Cameron Diaz.

Playboy has put up a website -- -- that has all the articles, but none of the nudity. Isn't that like getting an angry call from Mel Gibson without the swearing?

A new report claims that Sandra Bullock is giving serious thought to taking Jesse James back.  Sandra, would you at least consider Al Gore first?

Sarah Palin says she doesn't approve of her daughter's engagement to Levi Johnston.  If I were Levi, every time I'd hear a helicopter approaching, I'd take cover.

Last weekend, they had a gang shoot out at a local state park.  I'm going down there this weekend to test out my new Kevlar bathing suit.

There are a couple of Facebook scams out there, so be careful. In fact, for the complete list, just mail $100 in small bills to me….


   1. The word "NO" smeared in cat food on the fridge
   2. Cats gave it only one star on Yelp
   3. They keep sending it back to the kitchen
   4. Wearing "Hunger Strike" t-shirts
   5. Keep sending emails to Gordon Ramsay, asking for help


   1. A healthy fear of someday being owned by Mel Gibson
   2. You can become a powerful antenna if you just put more steel in your diet
   3. You never really said you wanted an iPhone for the sake of making phone calls
   4. As in politics, it's blaming the previous iPhone
   5. Owners are reluctant to hook up the optional 4-foot antenna



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