This Week's Wacks

The 769th Edition
"769 sounds like the name of a convenience store for porn"

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August 6th, 2010

I love the people saying, "President Obama should never have appeared on 'The View.' It's not presidential." These are the same people who say he shouldn't text either, because George Washington never texted.

The world's oldest Twitter user is dead at 104. I understand he was a Tweet man.

Ellen DeGeneres says she's had enough of "American Idol." Funny, I was feeling that way last season, too.

They're going to make a movie version of the board game "Battleship." I can hardly wait to sit through two hours of "B-1... no! L-57... ... no! A-3... no... wait!  No... ... "

BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly "demonized" in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. Afterwards, the devil held a press conference to say, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't drag me into this!"

Tropical storm Colin is beginning to form in the Atlantic. Not a very scary name for a storm, but good vampire name...

A new survey says that alcohol consumption in the U.S. is up to the highest level it's been in 15 years. I'll drink to that!

Seems that these days in America, "Happy Hours" really are our happiest hours!

A new study says that getting less than 7 hours of sleep a day increases your risk of heart disease. I'm doomed.

Actually, I've tried to get more than 7 hours of sleep a day, but my boss keeps waking me up!

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail yesterday after serving 14 days. She was released in the wee hours of the morning. You know, that time in the middle of the night when you have to get up and go wee.

Lindsay Lohan has been released after serving 14 days in jail. Once again, the jails are now safe.

Its official: Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Boy, who could have seen that coming?

Leonardo DiCaprio has officially dropped out of Mel Gibson's new Viking movie. He didn't quite buy into the storyline about how the Vikings attacked the ex-girlfriends.

If you care about "The Bachelorette," Ali picked Roberto. If you don't, then LeBron picked Miami.

Mitch Miller died the other day at age 99. He was famous for his show, "Sing Along with Mitch". A moment of silent, please (pause) OK, now just the sopranos....

Brett Favre has announced he's not coming back. In a related story, Mel Gibson isn't, either.

It used to be that I tried really hard to have birthday cards for my nieces and nephews arrive ON their birthday. Now I'm settling to have it postmarked on their birthday.

Brewers in Austria have created a cheese-infused beer. I'm thinking of what they could name it: "Cheddar High Life"? "Party Havarti"?

A woman in Colorado gave birth in the bathroom of a Starbucks. Congratulations to mom and little Espresso Macchiato.

Of course, the cost of having a baby in Starbucks was twice as much as a regular coffee shop.

New York is having a major bed bug problem. If it gets much worse, they may try driving them out by inviting Courtney Love to come and stay a few days.

I'm too practical. I was working on my bucket list and #1 on the list? Get a nicer looking bucket.

I bought one of those new tablet computer this week and I'll never do it again. They are just way too hard to swallow.

Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED... or however you spell that word, "dog."

The man who invented Cheez Doodles has died. He may be gone, but our orange hands will live on...

I believe it's becoming pretty obvious that Bristol Palin's boyfriend, Levi Johnston, has been getting advice lately from Brett Favre.

Singer says he's opposed to releasing a new album full of previously unreleased Michael Jackson material. In Will's words, "It's bad. It's bad. Really, really bad. I mean it's bad, it's bad, it's really, really bad."

According to the National Weather Service, Las Vegas just had it's hottest July ever on record.  It was so hot, there were some things that happened there that actually left!

A new survey shows that Canadians swear more than Americans or Brits.  How the #@%# did that happen?

I knew changing his mind this much would cause problems.  Today, Bret Favre announced that he has decided after all to marry Bristol Palin.


   1. "Uh, what's the guillotine for?"
   2. Director of Marketing is wearing a Kevlar vest
   3. First time you've ever had to go through a metal detector in the conference room
   4. The boss asks you to sit on the table
   5. Of all the days to forget your pants again


   1. Not to be critical, but maybe you're using the wrong size pool cue
   2. You spend more time in sand than a cat
   3. You shot a 71... on the 1st hole!
   4. The cast of "Jackass" is afraid to be around you
   5. You have to carry a "concealed golf ball permit"

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Breaking down a Beatles classic into a pie chart.  Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- We actually went camping! My blog here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack