This Week's Wacks

The 770th Edition
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August 13th--yep, FRIDAY THE 13th-- 2010

Aw, Friday -- the "happy ending" to the massage of the work week.

Radio Shack says it's going to open mini-stores inside Target stores next spring. This sounds like a premise for a Leonardo DiCaprio movie.

OK, we need a law where commercials can't say "in time for the holidays" before they're done saying "back to school."

A British ice cream company is now selling an adults-only ice cream made with Viagra. If your Popsicle lasts more than four hours, you should see a doctor.

Can't you see the dads pushing the kids out of the way when they hear that music playing?

I can't imagine an ice-cream truck version of "Let's Get It On".

A chunk of ice four times as big as Manhattan has broken off Greenland's main glacier. Emergency crews are busy trying to round up enough Scotch to capture it with.

It's going around: The day before Chelsea 's wedding, Hillary asked her, "Have you had sex with Marc yet?" Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad!"

A new study once again confirms that laughter helps us heal. Another reason this show was recently voted "Most Unhealthy."

Portia de Rossi is petitioning to change her name to Portia DeGeneres. She might as well. Ellen's not using it much anymore.

Remember, that's not summer rain: it's merely lawn Botox.

Disney World is getting ready to open a resort for dogs and other pets. Signs are already posted: "You must be able to sit up, beg, shake a paw and roll over to ride this ride"

A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. One of the biggest benefits is that you no longer have to find a gas station to use the restroom.

This paves the way for the first "Piece of Tim" car!

Always follow your dreams, but wear a disguise so they don't recognize you.

Seriously -- if I throw a tantrum, grab a couple of beers and slide down an emergency chute, I become a national hero? How could I have been so responsible?

The number of aps available for cell phones is overwhelming. The good news: there's an ap for that.

Popular Facebook page these days: "I don't need anger management, people just need to stop pissing me off."

Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is gay! You know, what that family needs is a really good case of laryngitis.

Rush Limbaugh's wedding pictures are now posted on his Facebook page.  For clarification's sake, that would be this year's wedding.

Rush is becoming the "King of Marriage".  The Larry King, that is….

Jet Blue has a new slogan.  I can't tell you what it is, but the second word is "You".

They're going to do a male version of "Eat-Pray-Love".  It'll be called "Eat-Sports Section-Bathroom".

It's "Friday the 13th" and while most people aren't superstitious, there are a few things today that are considered unlucky:

  • Pissing off a Jet Blue Flight Attendant
  • Seeing Mel Gibson on your caller ID
  • Being the manager of the Seattle Mariners
  • Becoming the personal trainer of Donald Trump's hairpiece
  • Having the identical ankle bracelet as Lindsay Lohan
  • Being promised that you'll have a job as long as Larry King has a job

TOP FIVE WAYS TO BREAK IT THE KIDS THE GOLDFISH HAS DIED

   1. "We're going to enter him in a race: the Flush-a-Bye 400"
   2. I had to do it in self-defense. He attacked me!
   3. It's like Snow White. We just need to put him in the backyard and wait for a handsome fish prince to come along.
   4. It's because of BP
   5. Let me run to the pet store and get some "fish reviver." It may make him smaller and look different...

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE WAY OVERDUE TO MOW YOUR LAWN

   1. The next season of "Survivor" to be filmed in your front yard
   2. Those annoying "Tarzan yells" from somewhere in the yard
   3. Oh-oh: Velociraptor droppings
   4. You're on your third newspaper boy this month
   5. Giraffes complaining the grass is too tall to eat

Laugh a little, would ya?
                       Tim

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