This Week's Wacks

The 771st Edition
"If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have been wondering what I wouldn't know eventually"

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August 20th, 2010

Say what you want about a "Friday the 13th." "Monday the 16th" -- or ANY Monday, for that matter -- terrifies me a lot more.

Julia Roberts says that after doing "Eat Pray Love" that she became a practicing Hindu. Makes me wonder what she did after "Pretty Woman."

Speaking on behalf of guys, I'm very excited about "Eat... Love... FOOTBALL!"

Osama bin Laden's cook has been sentenced to 14 years in prison. He got to choose between that and two seasons with Gordon Ramsay. Wise choice.

Disney World announced that they're opening a special resort for dogs. That makes me wonder if whoever is in charge is Goofy.

Ronnie from "Jersey Shore" was arrested Sunday for not paying his parking tickets. Can the show "Jersey Jail" be far behind?

President Obama is supporting the plan to build a mosque near the Ground Zero site in New York City. Wouldn't that be like opening up a Taco Bell at the Alamo?

The #1 movie in America is "The Expendables," named after the dollars in your wallet that you could afford to waste watching this movie.

A new study shows that 1 in 10 New Yorkers have bed bugs! Someone claims they even saw the Statue of Liberty using her torch to scratch her back.

Actually, from the insects' perspective, nine out of every ten bed bugs have a New Yorker!

"Start spreadin' the... " oh, wait -- they're already spreading!

I'm spending way too much time on Facebook. Question--Am I the only one who thinks when someone says they like my link that it sounds dirty?

President Obama has told voters not to give into fear. I was afraid he'd say that.

I remember how "Yes we can" was the theme of the last election. I imagine they're already print up, "No he couldn't" signs for 2012.

Newsweek did a list of the best countries in the world and the U.S. finished 11th. Finland came in first place. Must be why so many people live there.

"We're number 11! We're number 11!"

According to a new survey, 48 percent of Americans are willing to try out a nude beach for vacation. It is the one vacation that you wouldn't have to buy new clothes for...

OK, this is out of line, uncalled for and just downright rude, but it passed through my mind: "Do you think it's too early to start hitting on Catherine Zeta-Jones?"

President Obama stopped in Seattle on Tuesday for four hours. Another stop in his "And you thought rush hour was bad before" tour. (his motorcade creates traffic nightmares)

Researchers in Scotland have figured out a way to make car fuel with the by-products left over from making whiskey. Can the phrase, "Fill it up with the single malt, sir?" be far behind?

Mel Gibson crashed his Maserati into a Malibu hillside Sunday night. You can almost hear the body shop repair guys saying, "Oh, we don't have a phone number."

The city of Elmhurst, Illinois wants to make eye-rolling illegal. Glad I can still legally do THIS!

Hope you're having a nice summer. Or, if Steven Tyler is listening, a nice fall.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I sold my children's things and bought a Dodge Viper.

Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon was killed in a car accident Monday. She's very, very upset... you just can't tell.

Now Heidi will be like Mount Rushmore. Not finished, but at least the top part is done.

I've found that by forgetting to check Facebook for a day, I miss out on a lot of things that my friends are up to. I think I'm going for day two.

Dr. Laura says she's going to retire from radio at the end of the year. I'm guess, so she can hang with the sista's.

There's quite a bed bugs infestation in New York.  This week, bed bugs were found at a New York movie theater.  Of course, they were there watching, "A Bug's Life".

American Airlines is going to start charging an extra $19-$29 to have a seat closer to the front of the plane.  Just imagine how much the pilot will have to pay.  That is, if they want to sit during the flight.

Looks like Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is going to become a judge on "American Idol".  They're installing a safety rail near the edge of the stage.

I've got a friend that's a Bret Favre impersonator and he wants to retire, but he can't.


   1. Someone fed the Vice-President radishes again
   2. The President promised to take the family camping, but was too busy
   3. The Obama girls wanted to play "Fort"
   4. For the cover of a new CD, "Wrappin' the White House"
   5. The blue one didn't look as good


   1. No one ever goes out and uses the limburger deck
   2. When you don't have time to pack a lunch, you'll be tempted to take a wall
   3. It attracts Green Bay Packer fans
   4. Can't dress in the room made out of Swiss
   5. You think you have problems with mice now

Laugh a little, would ya?

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