This Week's Wacks
The 772nd Edition
"It's at times like these that I think about times like these"
"It's at times like these that I think about times like these"
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August 27th, 2010
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was officially charged with disorderly conduct, creating public nuisance, and annoying people at the beach. Hey, what about the TV show? Should be a couple of misdemeanors in there somewhere.
For the record: Kim Kardashian hates dancing. Good to know it's not just me.
Carrie Underwood says she hates Christmas shopping. Again, good to know it's not just me.
They had the annual Hempfest in Seattle last weekend. Not surprising, they had a high turnout.
Of course, the official slogan: "Yes we cannabis."
This update just in on an old adage: Which came first -- the salmonella or the egg?
Tropical storm Danielle is stirring around in the Atlantic. The last time there was this much concern about a Danielle sneaking in was back during the Clinton administration.
Jennifer Aniston's new movie didn't do too well over the weekend. Only a handful of people went and most of those were members of the bomb squad.
Betty White already won an Emmy for her appearance on "Saturday Night Live." Just the latest award she picked up after we made the switch to talkies.
Monday is that weekly reminder that I forgot to buy lottery tickets over the weekend.
Tiger Woods' divorce has been finalized. First event he's finished under in over a year.
Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have officially divorced. Boy, who could have seen that coming? The line, by the way, forms over there.
22-year-old Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, was chosen Miss Universe on Monday night, which means she is welcome anywhere in the entire universe EXCEPT Arizona.
24-Hour fitness is experimenting at some locations, using finger scanners instead of membership cards. I can hear them now: "Uh, Mr. Hunter, our scanner is having a hard time reading your fingerprint. Can you put down the donut and wipe your hands?"
In Iraq, a man desperate for money sold his donkey for the equivalent of $1. Talk about a cheap ass.
Paris Hilton says that a guy with knives tried to break into her home this morning. She said she wasn't sure how many knives he had, but the number was somewhere between 1 and 3.
Police arrived and arrested the man. They said he was carrying two knives and a copy of her CD. Motive solved.
Paris Hilton tweeted that the man tried to break into her home carrying "two big Knifes". Might have been a frustrated spelling tutor.
Next week, illusionist Chris Angel is going to try his most dangerous stunt yet: He's going to escape from a box dropped in a tank of piranha's after being tied up and eating a dozen eggs with runny yokes. I hope he survives.
Astronomers have discovered at least five new planets orbiting a sun-like star more than 100 light years away, The most amazing part -- so far, only 32 Starbucks locations.
Jon Gosselin is writing a book on his fatherhood skills. Should be a short one.
Former Vice-President Dan Quayle's son, Ben, won his primary election for an Arizona congressional seat. Seems to be a chip off the old potato.
Tiger Woods' ex-wife tells People Magazine that she "went through hell". Obviously, while she was passing through, she stopped at the bank.
I wonder if, for payback, when the salmon spawn and lay their eggs this year, if they'll try to give people chickenella?
TOP FIVE MOST CREATIVE WAYS TO KILL A FLY
1. The old exploding turd trick
2. Dress them up like a baseball and take them to a ballgame
3. Encourage them not to wear a seat belt
4. Teach them how to smoke
5. Hire a tiny little hit man
TOP FIVE SIGNS THERE ARE ZOMBIES IN YOUR HOUSE
1. Strangers walking around like you when you haven't had coffee
2. Moaning coming from downstairs and you know you turned off that pay-per-view channel
3. Smell of dead flesh no longer just coming from laundry hamper
4. Find cookbook in kitchen, called "Low-fat Brains"
5. You wake up with barbecue sauce on your arm
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--An apology to a drunken sailor in this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- Goodbye, Matt. We hardly knew ye. Visit my blog here
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack