This Week's Wacks

The 774th Edition
"Almost tying the record set by Larry King getting married"

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September 10th, 2010

During the divorce trial of Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his estranged wife Jamie, the former team CEO revealed that the baseball club is $433 million in debt as of last year. The good news is that they won't have to go deeper in debt this year for any post-season travel.

84-year-old comedian Jerry Lewis said that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan needed a good spanking. Didn't I see that movie?

He also yelled at both of them to stay off his lawn.

Stephen Hawking claims in a new book that gravity -- not God -- was what created the universe. Very good Stephen. Now, explain to me where gravity came from...

Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, called "the Barbie. Accessories were not included.

When it comes to hurricanes, Earl didn't have as much impact as everyone thought it would. Didn't NBC just say that about a TV show like two seasons ago?

My theory is that FEMA is in charge of Friday. Should have been here days ago.

The criticism I keep hearing about George Clooney's new movie, is that in spite of all the hype, it just didn't deliver much action. Or course, I heard the same thing about Kim Kardashian.

White House Party Crasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude for Playboy magazine. The weird part is, no one invited her.

Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, says he's moving to California to open a drug and alcohol rehab center. That's one way to have Lindsay visit for the holidays.

The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. A company spokesperson was emotionless... or, at least, looked that way.

I guess I miss "Glee".  I hate that I go through entire days and never once break out into song.

The FDA has warned Canada Dry and Lipton about green-tea claims they've been making... like saying it prevents Tsunami's. Pretty safe bet in Nebraska... but c'mon!

In China this week, there was a 75-mile traffic backup. The frustrating part was whenever someone asked "How long?," he'd keep replying, "Yes?"

Can you believe that minister who plans to burn a bunch of Quarans. Man, that would be as disrespectful as building a mosque on....wait a minute!

Burning a bunch of Quarans. Cost--$400, plus lighter fluid. Making s'mores over the fire, priceless.

Everyone is so upset about that Quaran-burning event coming up on Saturday. What could possibly go wrong with a group of people led by a religious nut named Reverend Jones?

CNN has announced Piers Morgan as Larry King's official replacement.  King told Piers, "If you want to be the new me, you better start marrying now!"

Wouldn't it be funny if, when Piers Morgan takes over, he spent the first two weeks of the show interviewing a different one of Larry's ex-wives every night?

Lady Gaga is on a magazine cover wearing a bikini made of raw meat.  As you know, meat is way too expensive to have done a one-piece.

A new report found that 40 percent of kids in New York City are overweight or obese.  In other words, 40% of the kids are actually 60% of the kids.

Spencer Pratt says he's thinking about moving to Costa Rica.  You know what I'm thinking?: Packing party!

You know, it's hard for me to imagine CNN without Larry King and his wife, Annette…no, wait….Alene? Frada?  No, uh, Julia!  No….Mickey!  Sharon….SHAWN!  That's it!

Thank you, Larry, for giving us the best years of your wives.

Forget Koran burning.  Let's first figure out how to spell the darn thing!  Quaran?  Quran?


   1. My house being worth $25K more when it started
   2. Those phone calls from Mel Gibson
   3. The words bleeped out of Joe Biden's speech
   4. The end of baseball season (I'm a Mariners fan -- it ended back in June)
   5. Popsicle man's version of "Sexyback"


   1. Pumpkin salsa
   2. There are no football carols
   3. Kids are old enough to realize you're stealing their Halloween candy
   4. Having to sneak your leaves over into your neighbor's yard at night
   5. Holidays keep getting in the way of the Bowl Games

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--RD Peterson has some "Where are they now?" pictures of fairy tales in this week's  E-Mail of the Week!
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