This Week's Wacks

The 778th Edition
"7-7-9 is just plain fine!"

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October 15th, 2010

Monday was "Columbus Day," honoring that man who led three ships across the Atlantic Ocean to let an entire continent of completely happy people know that they've been discovered.

It was also "National Check Your Mailbox For Nothing" Day.

German scientists have created a chair with sensors that will tell you if you've been sitting too long. Isn't that called a wife?

Yesterday was Columbus Day. Commemorating that day back in 1492 when Christopher Columbus landed in the New World and found out that mail wasn't delivered on that day.

Justin Bieber is launching a line of nail polish called One Less Lonely Girl. It'll probably go over as well as that Britney Spears After-Shave.

It's Octoberfest! It's when you're supposed to drink beer and party like it's 1939!

I saw on TV the other day that the average American takes 5,000 steps per day, unlike the Swiss, who take 10,000 steps per day. I couldn't figure out how that could happen, so I reached for the remote and changed the channel.

It was a throwing weekend. Someone threw a book at President Obama during a rally in Philadelphia. At a New York club, a stranger tossed a drink on Kim Kardashian. And in New York, a Jets employee threw Brett Favre for a loop.

Donald Trump says he's constantly being asked if he would consider running for president. Who are these people and how could we get them fired.

OK, the idea of a President Trump would be intriguing. We've never before had a First Hairpiece... although the name "Hairpiece One" does have a nice ring to it.

The government announced there will be no cost-of-living increase for those receiving Social Security. Of course, most of those are asking, "You call this living?"

I feel bad for those miners in Chile. From now on, whenever they're surprised to hear about something happening, people will be saying to them, "What? Did you just crawl out of a hole in the ground?"

On the bright side, just think of all those campaign ads the miners in Chile didn't have to sit through.

I see the country of Chile has flown in Roman Polanski, because of all his experience sneaking out minors.

Fran Drescher is going to get her own daytime TV talk show. I believe it's one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

It'll be the first TV show designed with the mute button in mind.

In food news, Domino's Pizza is testing a breakfast pizza and Carl's Junior has started selling a foot-long hamburger. Thank goodness. For a while there, I was afraid we were going to starve to death.

While David Arquette and Courtney Cox are separated, seems that David is staying with the cocktail waitress who punched Lindsay Lohan in July. I guess she's letting him stay there for a decent rent, of course, plus tip.

If I remember "Friends" correctly, technically, they're "on a break," right?

On "Dancing with the Stars," The Situation is changing his name to "Dire."

Brett Favre has apologized to his Minnesota Vikings teammates for the distractions his "sexting" ordeal has caused. He promised, he's going to retire from that kind of thing. And we all know how well he retires...

Strange, but Christine O'Donnell's opponent for the U.S. Senate seat has turned down the chance to debate because he's now a frog.

For the second time in two months, a man was arrested at Paris Hilton's house. Unlike most of the men at Paris' house, this one was pounding on the front door from the outside.

I was feeling sorry for that last miner to come out of the hole in Chile, but it turns out he was afraid to come out, after accidentally getting a couple of text messages from Bret Favre.

For those who like keeping track, Amy Winehouse fell in her house and injured her arm this week. In other shocking news: It's also raining in Seattle.

In New York, a man killed his parents after they called him "lazy." In the parents' defense, it did take him three years to do and he hired someone to really do all the work.

This whole rescue thing down in Chile explains why South American baseball players get so upset when they're told they're being sent to the minors.

The folks at Google are testing a car that drives itself, without a human.  There's the answer to our traffic problems: more cars with no one in them!

All of those Chilean miners are finally out, although a counselor has been called in.  Apparently, some of them were having a hard time believing Courtney Cox and David Arquette were breaking up.

A guy who appeared on the TV show "Canadian Idol" has been granted bail on charges connected to an alleged plot to build bombs. Talk about a poor loser.

A new study shows that falling in love can actually relieve physical pain, although it is definitely much cheaper to just hit the Tylenol.

Vice-President Joe Biden blurted out during a speech that the president has asked him to run with him again in 2012.  Republicans are sending him flowers.


   1. "Natural turf or artificial?"
   2. "Doesn't the Red Zone sound dirty to you, too?"
   3. "Get your penalty flag ready because here comes some unsportsmanlike conduct!"
   4. "Ever had a quarterback sneak?"
   5. "Wanna help me complete a pass?"


   1. "That darn buzzard is circling overhead again"
   2. Voted #1 by the Haz-Mat team
   3. Your meatloaf is used as capital punishment in three states
   4. Judge has rule that, for you, a spatula is considered a weapon
   5. Flies won't go near your food

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--The best positions in bed, I kid you not, are featured in this week's  E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS--It's alive, ALIVE!  Bimbo #5. Details on my blog here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack