This Week's Wacks

The 780th Edition
"Somebody stop me!"

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October 22nd, 2010

Ole Miss has now officially replaced their old Colonel Reb mascot with a Rebel Black Bear mascot. They felt changing it from a rebel colonel to a rebel bear would help remove the "Old South/Civil War era" stereotype. Uh, guys, ditching the word "rebel" would probably help!

In honor of "30 Rock" live show last week, we're all here this morning instead of at home in our jammies, sleeping in and listening like we normally do.

I'm thinking for Halloween this year, I'm going to go as an old lady on a stretcher and call myself, "Lady Zsa Zsa"

Tom Cruise is going to appear in a sequel to "Top Gun". Don't know much about it other than Kelly McGillis as a love interest is definitely out....since she is.

Some scientists are saying that the world has a 50-50 chance of ending within the next 3.7 billion years. I tried to put it on my Outlook, but it didn't go that far out.

OK, that does it! Today I'm going in and asking the boss for a "Cost of Buying a Pumpkin" raise!

The Vatican had reportedly directed former model and singer Carla Bruni, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, to stay away from her husband during his trip to the Vatican. After all, Jesus would have never had anything to do with tax collectors or prostitutes. Oh, wait a minute...

How about a special feature for your TV so that once you've voted with your absentee ballot, you don't have to watch any more campaign commercials?

New evidence indicates that back in the dinosaur days, the Tyrannosaurus Rex would sometimes cannibalize each other. This would be the first proof that some of them were attorneys.

Some people are saying that Mariah Carey must be pregnant, the way she's acting like such a diva. If that's true, it must be the world's longest pregnancy.

Lance Armstrong has become a dad again, for the fifth time. So there's another thing he hasn't retired from...

Fox News Channel host Brian Kilmeade is apologizing for saying on the air that "all terrorists are Muslim." No more true than saying, "All newscasters are morons!" Well, wait a minute...

CNN reports that drivers of new electric cars suffer from "range anxiety," the fear that they'll miscalculate the length of their trip and their car will run out of power. Not to be confused with the fear of leaving home and not being able to get back. That's called "Charlie Sheen Syndrome."

Hmmm... running out of power and not being able to come back. Isn't that what the Democrats are worried about in a couple of weeks?

Since the "Twilight" movies are set in the town of Forks, Washington, why don't they have Porky Pig come on at the end and say, "Uh-Thee-uh-thee-uh-thee-uh That's all, Forks!"

The experts are saying we'll spend 2.5% more this year on Christmas. I'm going to mess with them and spend only 2.4%, to mess with the average.

The Tea Party is having so many gatherings these days. Guess that explains the current finger food shortage.

The NFL is looking at punishing Brett Favre for that whole cell phone situation, but instead of suspension, they're calling it a "mini-retirement".

I went behind the headlines and couldn't read the words because they were all backwards.

Bruce Willis is about to start filming another "Die Hard" movie.  I believe this one is called, "Die Hard 5: Can't Find My Car Keys".

In Syria, let's just say they do things a little different there: a 3-year-old girl has just become engaged to a 5-year-old boy.  Here's hoping she likes older men.


   1. Finding a wedding gown in a size minus 5
   2. Deciding who at daycare to invite to the ceremony without hurting feelings
   3. Finding a stripper for the bachelor party that isn't old enough to be your mom
   4. At the wedding, you throw strained rice
   5. Having to choose a Best Boy and Playmate of Honor 


   1. Easter Candy
   2. A $5 off oil change coupon
   3. Sucrets
   4. Used furniture
   5. High fives


   1. Replaced the wood siding on her house with candy
   2. When you said you were having trouble sleeping, she offered a poisoned apple
   3. Bumper sticker that says, "My other car is a broom"
   4. Delivery truck at her house is from "Colander's R Us"
   5. Her spell-checker has nothing to do with how words are spelled

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Who wants to be a parent?  Have you read the job description? Don't miss the E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS--The story of Bimbo #5 is all right here on my blog
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