This Week's Wacks

The 783rd Edition
"If I had a nickel for every edition, I'd have $39.15"

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November 12th, 2010

Conan O'Brien returned to TV Monday night. Maybe it's just me, but I just always feel better when I know where Andy Richter is...

It was interesting watching Oprah go camping last week. Especially when she kept telling the great outdoors she was greater.

The most embarrassing moment came when they pulled up to what they thought was Vermont and it turned out to be Aretha Franklin in a green dress.

Part of me wishes I had been able to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra when they were just the Siberian Orchestra. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

I hate the time change. I spent most of Sunday morning trying to figure out how to turn my hot tub time machine back an hour.

84-year-old Queen Elizabeth has joined Facebook. Oh, I hope she'll Farmville with me!

Kim Kardashian is reportedly working on a new album, making the concept of deafness even more appealing.

British health officials say they're working on a new app that let you pee into your cell phone and find out within minutes if they have an STD. Just remind me never to ask to borrow your cell phone.

Hey, AT&T: "rethink possible" THIS!

I can see one of the cell phone companies advertising that they have a wider coverage area than Kim Kardashian!

Sales at McDonalds grew by 5.6% in October. Funny, so did I.

University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can help you lose weight. This will remain true until we figure out a way to eat in our sleep.

What I like most about Bristol Palin--she makes me feel so good about the way I dance.

Actually, I've been watching Bristol dancing... and compared with the way I dance, I've come to this very scary conclusion: Sarah Palin could be my mom!

Life needs a CONTROL+Z

President Obama visited Indonesia, where he grew up as a child in the latest 1960s. Back then, he was known as "the boy who runs like a duck." With the Oregon Ducks the #1 team in the country, right now, that's a good thing.

My only question on that whole Mexican Cruise ship fiasco: how in the world wasn't I on that thing?

Sears is going to be open on Thanksgiving for the first time in it's 124-year-history. Anything for a Roebuck. You never known when, while cooking dinner, you'll need a Craftsman wrench.

That's ridiculous! Thanksgiving should be a day set aside each year to spend ignoring your family while watching football.

Sears will be open on Thanksgiving?  I'm sorry, but this is where I draw the line. Thanksgiving was meant to be a day where oh my God look at that door-buster price what time do they open?

I feel real bad for those folks who spent most of the week on that Carnival Mexican Cruise ship.  It wasn't bad enough with no electricity or water, but at the midnight buffet: a Spam sculpture?

The Country Music Awards were Wednesday night and I missed 'em.  Just as I plannedů..

A company in Seattle just came out with a new bacon-flavored soda.  All that rain drives you to things like thatů.

Thursday was "Veterans Day".  That day we remember those who served and forget there's no mail. Two times.

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU REALLY DO NEED TO START WORKING OUT

   1. Your feet sent you a postcard that said, "Miss seeing you!"
   2. Your belt was on the last notch several punches ago
   3. Driving with the window down, that flapping sound you hear is your left arm
   4. Whenever you wear a white shirt, mistaken for the Michelin Man
   5. After the last earthquake, you suffered several aftershocks

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR THAT BLUE UFO THAT CIRCLED OVER DC THE OTHER NIGHT

   1. After the election, it was being replaced by a red UFO
   2. They were debating: "Should we destroy this place, or give Obama two more years to finish"
   3. Macy Gray was being pulled over for speeding
   4. The local K-Mart was having a really big special
   5. It was trying to get Nancy Pelosi to go home

Laugh a little, would ya?
                       Tim

PS--Time to take the annual dementia test.  It's this week's E-Mail of the Week!
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