This Week's Wacks
The 787th Edition
"It's just an 8 using 7's for bookends"
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In case you didn't know, the word "Friday" is Latin for "OK, now you've got another two days to figure out how to win the lottery"
The jobless numbers are up again. Santa's new toy-making robots didn't help.
Katie Couric is going to guest star on "Glee". Apparently their ratings were getting too high.
Oprah has chosen two Dickens classics as her latest book club selection. It was the worst of choices, it was the best of choices...
The new Disney cartoon "Tangled" bumped Harry Potter from the #1 spot in theaters. Harry lost out to harrier...
A man in Oregon has legally changed his name to "Captain Awesome". His wife is keeping her maiden name, General More Awesome.
Charlie Sheen's soon-to-be ex, Brooke Mueller, has entered an alcohol recovery center. Wonder what caused her to drink?
Hint: Every time she ordered a drink, she'd ask for a two and a halfer.
A new study says that taking aspirin daily helps reduce the risk of certain types of cancer... which is great, because hearing about all these studies gives me a headache.
A US Airways flight from Newark to Phoenix was diverted to Pittsburgh yesterday after a dog got loose and bit two people in their seats. Well, not in their seats, but... oh, you know what I mean.
Burger King laid off over 400 workers yesterday. Most were fine with the decision, saying, "Have it your way!"
10-year-old Willow Smith is going to be part of the Dick Clark Rockin' New Year's Eve special. It's cheaper than a baby sitter.
Chelsea Handler is defending her comments about Angelina Jolie. I'm trying to think of what you could say about Angelina that isn't true.
The store that is said to have done the best on Black Friday was: Costco! So, you're not just getting what you want for Christmas -- you're getting TEN of them!
Santa's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice and who dissed him on Yelp.
What's the big deal about Brittany still believing in Santa Claus this week on "Glee"? Is there something you guys aren't telling me?
7-Eleven is developing a house wine called Cherrywood Cellars. As you would expect, it has aged less than those hot dogs over on the griller.
A 7-11 house wine. Their slogan is, "We will sell no wine before it's…..oh, what the heck!"
That's what I want from my convenience store: a good box of wine.
There are just too many awards shows. Now Mel Gibson has been nominated for a Voicey for "Best Angry Phone Call". The award will be presented by last year's winner, Alec Baldwin.
I walked up to a store today, there was no one ringing a bell. I donated some money, they gave me some holiday cheer. Typical visit to the liquor store.
Our company is instituting a new policy on farting in the workplace. It's called, "Don't ask. Don't smell."
TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS CAROLS THAT JUST NEVER CAUGHT ON
1. "God Rest Ye Merry J. Blige"
2. "O Holy Crap"
3. "Away in a Condo"
4. "The Second Noel"
5. "Bertha To The World"
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES FOR SANTA'S GARAGE BAND
2. Naughty & Nice
3. Broken Toys
4. The Ho Ho Ho's
5. The Nick 'O Teens
TOP FIVE DEMANDS OF THE ELVES UNION, LOCAL 1674
1. No more outsourcing to those Keebler Elf scabs
2. No more mandatory child seats in sleigh
3. Fire escape ladders installed on every office chair
4. A strictly enforced "Look before you sit" policy
5. Lower door knobs
Laugh a little, would ya?
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