Wesley Snipes has begun serving his three year prison sentence for tax evasion. I feel safer.
A new report says that American home values plummeted $1.7-trillion in 2010. I know I did my part.
According to a new survey, the majority of women say they don't need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Let me know how that works for you.
On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, "Wow, that's almost mid-way!"
A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. I wonder if they'll celebrate their anniversary in people or dog years?
Of course, I've heard his mother-in-law is a real bitch.
I look at what's going on in the Midwest and remember them saying, "It would be a cold day when President Obama would support the Bush tax cuts: and they were right!"
Wal-Mart is considering selling wine from a vending machine. And you thought those people in the store yelled at their kids now...
Seahawks fans flying out of San Francisco after last Sunday's game were told by the flight attendants that the flight may take a little longer today because we'll be flying with our tail between our legs.
Two things worry me about getting older. One, that I'll start forgetting things and the other.....uh, let me get back to you....
Brett Favre's streak of 297 ended Monday night. That's "games started," not completed text messages.
Octomom Nadya Suleman has sent out her annual Christmas card, but with only 10 of her kids in the picture. How do you chose which 10 make the card? Put on an in-house version of "Family Idol"? Only the good ones?
And now, here's Miley Cyrus with her new song, "All I want for Christmas is a brand-new bong."
Larry King is in his final week. Uh, to be clear, I meant, doing his TV show.
Mark Merchant, a ventriloquist friend of mine, was the featured performer at the big Houston Wire and Cable Holiday Party. I said, "Houston Wire and Cable? That sounds like a Texas bondage club!"
No charges will be filed against Charlie Sheen for his wild October night at the New York Plaza. Now, if he can just make it through Christmas without holding a knife to someone's throat, it'll be a great holiday season.
I finally figured out why they're called "Smart Phones." It's because when the person holding it stops pushing their shopping cart in a crowded store to talk and blocks the aisle, it's obvious that the phone is the smarter one of the two.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year." Needless to say, he clicked on "Like this."
They figured Julian Assange would be able to just hack in and win the award himself some day.
Man, if I only knew then what I can't remember now...
Word is that Al Qaeda may be planning some new attacks around Christmas. Guess I'll just need to keep my eyes open for someone who's not from around here,with a beard and who appears to have something strapped to his stomach.
Pam Anderson will be on the cover of Playboy Magazine for a record-setting 13th time for the January edition. Can't wait to read those articles, or whatever those things with words are called.
Poor Minnesota. I mean, who knew that an inflatable dome would collapse under several feet of snow? Well, now that I say that out loud….
Larry King hosted his final TV show last night. Things went great until, on the way out of the studio, one of the New York Jets coaches tripped him.
When Larry first started doing his show, interviews hadn't even been invented yet.
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT BUG SANTA
1. Reindeer farts
2. Washing his red suit on hot with all the whites
3. Beard squatters
4. Bathroom scale seems off by 20 pounds
5. Kids who text in their Christmas list
TOP FIVE CLICHÉ'S SANTA IS TIRED OF HEARING
1. And up your chimney, too, pal!
2. There's no time like the presents
3. Is that a reindeer whistle in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
4. I'd just like to thank all the little guys for making my toys