This Week's Wacks

The 789th Edition
"789, but they do all have to be in the same suit"

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I miss Larry King.

I did great on my online shopping this year. Just this morning, spent two hours on the Victoria's Secret website. Didn't buy anything. Then went shopping.

Tony Romo got engaged to girlfriend Candice Crawford Thursday night. I believe that was his first completed pass in three weeks.

7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. Do I really need to come up with a punchline for that?

OK, I know I'll be saying "Oh, thank heaven" every time I don't take a sip.

I don't know... I just think it would be weird ordering wine, saying things like, "Yeah, THAT bottle... the one to the left of 'Hustler'."

They say that this Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. Oh, I'm sorry, that's not the post office. I meant the TSA workers at the airport.

I think it's pretty obvious by now that North Korea is not South Korea's "Secret Santa."

In Rhode Island, a man dressed up like Santa Claus robbed a yacht club Sunday night. Police described the man as "armed and jolly." (or "armed and Festivus, if you prefer)

In Massachusetts, someone stole $15,000 toys that had been donated to Toys for Tots. Police described the suspect as "green and Grinchiless".

I posted a picture of Paris Hilton's Christmas card on Facebook and one friend commented, "Not very Christmassy with only one Ho"

David Hasselhoff said he is currently seeing two women. Hey, have a couple of more drinks and you'll probably be seeing four.

Big news: Nick Cannon says he's having twins! Wait a minute -- to be even more clear, his wife Mariah Carey is having two babies.

An 89-year-old widow picked up her diploma this week from Palm Beach State College in Florida. At that age, you don't wait until the main Spring ceremony.

Being right before Christmas, we have a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in effect for our VISA card.

Quite a spectacular lunar eclipse on Tuesday night, when the earth blocked out all the light on the moon. However, you were still able to see the moon on Wikileaks.

I just thought of the ultimate Christmas nightmare: you're out caroling, you walk up to a house, ring the doorbell, starting singing and out walks Simon Cowell.

The cool thing about this Christmas. Santa doesn't have to check his list twice... it's already out on Wikileaks.

A survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. I don't think it's twice as much... I mean, uh, so I hear... ...

I'm more easy going about all this TSA stuff at the airport. It's sad, but at my age, having my package considered "suspicious" is a compliment.

The staffer at Betty Ford that accused Lindsay Lohan of battery and sneaking off to drink has been fired.  Hey, you don't want to offend a steady paycheck!

There was a 7.4 earthquake in Japan yesterday.  They panicked, but much more efficiently than we do in America.

It's been raining in Los Angeles for four straight days.  When asked if they had ever seen anything like this before, most residents said something in  Spanish.

"What? I can't count a lunar eclipse as one of your Christmas presents?  Oh, you're just mad that I thought of it first!"

TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR SANTA SAY

   1. "Pull on it. OK, now the beard!"
   2. "You know how much a single male reindeer costs? A buck!"
   3. "Uh, just how naughty are you?"
   4. "That IS a candy cane in my suit and I AM happy to see you"
   5. "Dang, I'm out of shaving cream!"

TOP FIVE LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFTS AT 7-11

   1. An egg nog Slurpee
   2. A fresh box of wine
   3. The Christmas Issue of Naughty Elves magazine
   4. A Nativity scene made out of pepperoni
   5. A Snooki Chia Pet

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

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