This Week's Wacks

The 790th Edition
"If I've told you once, I've told you 790 times"

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The founder of Playboy Magazine, Hugh Hefner, is engaged again. He's 84, she's 24. One of those "May/two years from this December" romances.

Being Hugh Hefner's wife -- isn't that a lot like being Jay Leno's favorite car?

In the spring, Sony is going to introduce a new device that's not only a gaming console, but also a phone. You know who's expected to be the first person to buy one? That guy sitting in front of you at the movie theater.

A man in India claims he's a new father at age 94. I know, I know--where are the parents?

They had a 3.8 earthquake in Indiana. Most of the people who felt it had the same reaction: "Boy, that must be some big train!"

Yes, it's time of year again -- for that NFL tradition of Brett Favre announcing his latest retirement.

So far, it's been a pretty typical January: already broke my New Year's resolutions, Brett Favre announced another retirement and Lindsay Lohan is released from rehab. They should almost print these on the calendar.

And now, here's Lindsay Lohan, singing, "Release me."

Who is "Skip Ad" and why does he keep blocking my view of the Internet?

Jerry Brown has been sworn in as the governor of California again. The whole time, Linda Ronstadt was seen circling the governor's mansion outside...

Hello, police? I'd like to report that someone stole my Mega Millions lotto jackpot! This keeps happening, over and over...

Gwyneth Paltrow said she had a rough time with post-partum depression. That, at times, she felt like a zombie and a horrible mother. Well, I'm no man of science, but I think as a general rule, zombies make pretty bad mothers.

What airport security has discovered so far this year:

    * Terrorist Plots 0
    * Transvestites 133
    * Hernias 1,485
    * Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
    * Enlarged Prostates 8,249
    * Breast Implants 59,350
    * Natural Blondes 3

The Discovery Channel and the Vatican are teaming up for a new reality series all about exorcisms.  The devil you say!  Boy, that oughta turn some heads. Demons are a ghouls best friend.
Wow, I don't know what possessed me to write that.

Romania's witches and fortune-tellers are being asked to pay taxes for the first time.  The witches are so upset, they're casting spells against the president and the government.  However, to be fair, the fortune-tellers should have seen it coming.

Of course, the perfect tax company for witches: H & R Black.

"Jersey Shore" star Snooki has become an author.  Well, besides what she wrote in the bathroom stalls, she also has a book out!


   1. You blow your nose so much, three geese have proposed to you
   2. Your new nickname: "the afflicted one"
   3. After accepting a paper from you, people bathe in sanitizer and burn the paper
   4. Santa mistook you and your red nose for Rudolph
   5. Your nose is running more than Sarah Palin


   1. Floss Man
   2. Wonder Biotch
   3. Hemorrhoido
   4. The Sloth
   5. The Green Banana

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Amazing facts and a paper doll await you in this week's E-Mail of the Week!
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