This Week's Wacks

The 793rd Edition
"Ha-ha!  I didn't change it from last week and you almost didn't notice!"

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January 28th, 2011

This week in 1784, Benjamin Franklin wrote to express his disappointment that the eagle had been chosen as our country's national symbol, instead of the turkey.  At the time, he was dating Mrs. Cubbison.
To think--we were that close to having eagle every Thanksgiving.

A restaurant in Arizona is causing quite a stir because of an item on their menu: African Lion Tacos! What? Are we running out of Siberian Tigers? Oh, wait -- I guess we are!

Church websites are starting to ask their members to post their prayers. Can the pop-up offering plate be far behind?

I just clicked on a website so that I could watch one of the new Budweiser commercials that will be on the Superbowl.....and I had to watch a commercial in order to watch the commercial. It seemed gluttonous.

Is it wrong for me to think that Sandra Bullock should have an affair with Jesse James once he's married to Kat Von D?

I just realized that the American Idol season actually lasts longer than the Christmas season. And we don't even get presents!

I guess I didn't realize how desperate Green Bay fans were. In order to stop the bears, they had hired Sarah Palin and put her up in a helicopter.

I wasn't really surprised by Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes last week. It's why we don't invite him over for the holidays anymore.

I understand that Jesse James and Kat Von D are going to write their own wedding vows. His are going on his left arm, hers on her lower left calf.

It's the Steelers and the Packers in the Superbowl. Since you'd have to steal something before you pack it, looks like Pittsburgh should be first.

Travel and Leisure Magazine has named Los Angeles as the rudest city in America. New York City came in #2, to which, of course, they replied, "Well #2 THIS!"

Actually, for a long time when I thought of New York City, I thought of #2.

In California, a guy named Clay Butler is going to introduce a line of Marijuana soft drinks... for those using medical marijuana, who don't want to smoke. The jokes practically write themselves: soda pot, Higher's Root Beer, "It's the real thing, everything else isn't," etc

Iran has banned all Valentine's Day gifts because it promotes Western culture. Cupid was so upset that... well, let's just say it was a good thing he was wearing that diaper.

A new study found that nearly 1 out of 3 people can't resist using Facebook while in the bathroom. A good time to remind you: PLEASE don't post everything you do.

Oprah Winfrey announced on her show yesterday that she's discovered a half-sister that she didn't know she had. Her name is Patricia but now she's legally changing it to "Ka-ching!"

Vice-President is on jury duty this week in his home state of Delaware. He tried to get out of it by wearing his "I'm with guilty" t-shirt, but it didn't work.

First Larry King, then Regis and now, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. If there was ever a chance to start up a network filled with talk shows and no guests, this is it.

The post office announced it has lost $8.5-billion. The good news: they've figured out a way to turn things around. Tomorrow, they're going to announce they're Oprah's long-lost cousins.

The movie with the most Oscar nominations: "The King's Speech." Nice way for Larry King to go out...

This Thursday, President Obama is going to answer questions live on YouTube. To increase viewership, he's going to open with a cat playing the piano.

Why does sleeping-in always seem easier to do on work days?

Life expectancy among Canadians has now exceeded that of Americans. I'm guessing that's because of the exchange rate...

McDonald's says a price increase is on the way. Ba-da-bop-bop-ba... I'm hatin' it.

Jimmy Buffett fell off a stage at the end of a concert in Sydney, Australia and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors won't say anything about his condition now, but that , come Monday, it'll be alright.

They also said that due to increasing prices, Happy Meals will start being a little less happy.

Summarizing President Obama's State of the Union speech: "Let's work together. Come on, come on, let's work together. Because together we can stand, every boy, girl, woman and a man!"

Jesse "The Body" Ventura says he's going to sue the TSA folks at the airport for grabbing and feeling and groping... which, back in his wrestling days, used to be considered "warm ups."

That homeless guy with the golden voice, Ted Williams, has walked out of a rehab center. This may sound cold, but I haven't been this surprised since the sun came up.

The U.S. budget deficit will hit almost $1.5 trillion this year, which, yes, is a new record. Kids, grow up to be a government budget director or a weather forecaster and you'll never have to be right.

My philosophy on life is simple: we all have to pound our own ketchup bottles.

President Obama did fairly well in his "State of the Union" speech Tuesday night…especially considering this was the first year without Simon Cowell.

This year, for the first time ever, the Super Bowl will have no cheerleaders because neither team has any.  To get Packers fans riled up, they're going to resort to showing old Brett Favre's text pictures up on the big screen.  This could get interesting……

President Obama called for a government spending freeze and Washington, D.C. was buried in a foot of snow and ice.   Coincidence?
Well, uh, yeah….

Another theme of his speech was the importance of education.  Again, all of the schools in Washington, D.C. are closed due to the snowstorm.

You know, it seems like you don't hear Katy Perry on the radio very much these days.  No, wait-not Katy Perry.  I'm sorry…I was thinking of everybody else!


   1. The title gave it away: "The Lindsay Lohan Story"
   2. Radioactive Zombie Vampire movies are ALWAYS overlooked
   3. Bella, not Stella
   4. Monsters are destroying Tokyo again
   5. Anything with "Cheese grater" in the title can't be taken seriously


   1. We won't rename the U.S. Jintao-ville and the Bailey Savings and Loan will remain open
   2. When he told President Obama at a restaurant, "Your money's no good here," he wasn't kidding
   3. He's promoting General Tsao from three stars to 4 stars
   4. He promised to say hi to the factory workers for us at their next recess
   5. An hour after he left, we felt hungry again

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--"Just wrong, but funny!" sums up this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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