CBS is holding off on announcing another season of "Two and a Half Men" until Charlie Sheen decides if there's going to be another season of Charlie Sheen.
To be honest, right now, I don't know which one's going to last longer: my current tube of toothpaste or Charlie Sheen.
A homeless man in Ohio is trying to sell off cardboard signs that he claims were used by the homeless guy with the golden throat, Ted Williams. Hey, why would he lie to us?
Last I heard, Ted might be needing those signs again.
In his State of the Union speech, President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment. Most younger viewers wonder what our nation's future had to do with a Russian version of Nickelodeon, "Sputnik at Night"!
A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. The men are on Facebook and the women are forced to interact on something called Burka-book.
Right now, big problems in Egypt: protests, riots, arrests. The government claims it's all part of a big pyramid scheme.
Lindsay Lohan says she's worried about Charlie Sheen. Well, if that isn't the tornado calling the hurricane dangerous!
Comcast has now officially taken over NBC and promises that they'll continue to deliver great programming sometime between 9am and 5pm.
North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. One of the most popular attractions is, "It's a tall world."
Right now, a lot of people are trying to figure out how to get out of Egypt. The old-school ones are trying to find anyone named Moses to lead them out.
The most popular vacation destination in Egypt these days? Anywhere else.
Party at Charlie Sheen's house! Oh, I don't know that for sure... but it's a pretty safe bet.
A huge snowstorm is hitting the middle part of the U.S. Chicago is expecting over 20-inches of snow. It's a good thing they don't have to go anywhere: you know, like a Superbowl.
BP is reporting a $3.7-billion annual loss. I think I know where they can find it.
Egypt is trying to shut down the Internet so protesters can't talk to each other over Facebook. Gee, if the government here ever shut down Facebook, I can't imagine what I would do at work all day.
On Groundhog's Day -- I know about the sun, the shadow and all that -- but what happens if the little guy has to shovel his way out of two feet of snow?
Wait--they just announced that Charlie Sheen is going to continue working during rehab. I thought he was already going that!
In a surprise announcement today, hundreds of thousands of Egyptians demanded that President Mubarak step down and let Charlie Sheen take over.
In Egypt, the groundhog came out of his hole yesterday and saw his shadow. That, of course, means six more months of Mubarak.
Eunice Sanborn, the world's oldest person, died this week at 115. Boy, who could have seen that coming?
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney turned 70 this week. I believe it's one of the signs of the apocalypse.
Semi-good news. Yesterday, the ground hog didn't see his shadow, which means only six weeks left of winter. The bad news: he didn't see it because the shadow had lost his job.
I flipped on the news today and once again, there was the crowds, the camels, people yelling----yep, just another morning at Charlie Sheen's house.
In a statement to the press, Charlie Sheen compared himself to the actor Errol Flynn. Uh, Charlie: Errol's dead.
A woman in Cuba is said to have celebrated her 126th birthday this past week. Of course, she celebrated by waking up.
At what age do you stop throwing surprise parties for people? When do they become 'attempted murder'?
Oh, shoot, it was Dick Cheney's 70th birthday earlier this week. How did I miss it? Better yet, how did he hit it?
TOP FIVE SIGNS THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL IN EGYPT
1. Oh-oh... MUMMIES!
2. Guy leading unrest is named "Moses"
3. Newspaper calls for constitution to be shoved up Suez Canal
4. Most popular bumpersticker: "Bring back the pharaoh"
5. The pyramids are on fire
TOP FIVE SONGS FROM ''LARRY KING: THE MUSICAL''
1. "Be still my heart, but not THAT still"
2. "There's no tie like a bow tie"
3. "Try to remember my bright red suspender"
4. "Will you marry me, too?"
5. "All my ex's live all over"
TOP FIVE UNIQUE THINGS ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN'S SUPERBOWL PARTY
1. Every year, he misses the entire thing. Oh, he's there...
2. No alcohol -- ha! Kidding!!!
3. Most of the guests are beautiful and paid
4. The Porn Star Lingerie Football game at half-time in his front yard