This Week's Wacks

The 795th Edition
"If I had a nickel for every one of these, I'd have $39.75"

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February 11th, 2011

A new survey shows that one out of every ten people are obese, world-wide. Apparently, it's what makes our world, wide.

The protests in Egypt have taken an ugly turn. Now the people on the streets are chanting, "We want Regis! We want Regis!"

In a new development, Regis supporters are said to be clashing with Larry King supporters

Friday was given the name, "The Day of Departure"... however, Charlie Sheen is still with us.

In a recent survey, 32% of respondents admitted borrowing a neighbor's Wi-Fi connection. The good news: I am stealing his newspaper a lot less.

NASA has put together a 360-view of the sun. Now you're able to not look at it from any angle.

How's this for a new slogan for the Green Bay Packer Cheeseheads: "Cheddar is better!"

The one thing that the Black Eyed Peas halftime show taught us: mixing live sound is trickier than it looks.

White Castle announced that they're taking reservations for Valentine's Day. Well, I suppose that's one way to break up.

Egypt's President Hosni Mubarek says his son won't run for president this fall. Although there are people in Egypt who feel that Jamal Herbert Walker Mubarek would have been a good leader.

Christina Aguilera had trouble with some of the lines of the Star Spangled Banner at the Superbowl. Hey, if you wanted someone who doesn't have any problem doing lines, you should have brought in Charlie Sheen!

I guess after the big Packers victory in the Superbowl, some Green Bay fans got a little carried away, ran out into the streets and actually turned over several snow blowers.

Convicted serial killer Charles Manson has been caught with a cell phone behind bars for the second time in two years. What made it worse were those pictures Bret Favre sent him.

Consumer ID theft is down 28%! At least that's according to a government statistics expert... he said his name was Mary... ...

New research indicates that smoking pot will enhance the effects of mental illness. The good news: mental illness lessens how much you care about new research.

Lindsay Lohan is going to be charged with Felony Grand Theft for taking a necklace from a jeweler. Remember last year at the Academy Awards when she picked up three Oscars and they made her put them back.

Even Winona Rider was saying, "Get help!"

In a surprise announcement, Trouble announced he was done following Lindsay everywhere she went. In his words, "It's just becoming too much for me."

It seems like there are "Glee" people and non-"Glee" people. You either love it or hate it. The weird part is that those who hate it usually despise the show with glee.

Let this be a lesson to you: never invite Lindsay Lohan over if you're throwing a jewelry party.

I've been busy writing a new movie script for Lindsay Lohan: "Grand Theft Necklace."

Lindsay acted pretty shocked when she heard the news... just, not very well.

Michelle Obama says there is no Facebook in the White House. That explains why she's been ignoring my friend requests.

Mattel is releasing Barbie dolls inspired by characters from the TV show "Dynasty." I have a feeling a memo from the 1980s got stuck somewhere in inner-office mail.

It seems like every time I turn on the TV, there it is again. I believe it is time for the president to step in, take decisive action and, for once and for all, stop allowing production of "Big Momma" movies.

Christina Aguilera is going to sing one of Aretha Franklin's songs at the Grammy's. I believe she's going to be singing "R-E-S-P-T".

Man, I've been busier than Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney!

Peru has just changed it's national anthem.  I don't know what the new one's called, but it's gotta be better than "Peru Be Doobie Doo".

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by clipping coupons.

Former "American Idol" co-host Brian Dunkleman has admitted it was a mistake to leave the FOX ratings juggernaut after the first season.  He made the remark during second break at his custodian job.


   1. 12-inch, black and white TV. Really?
   2. Halftime Tupperware demonstration didn't go over well
   3. Funny, they didn't eat these snacks last year, either
   4. 8 guests, 2 chairs
   5. On your party invitation, you put down Monday's date


   1. Scrape the pumpkins off the front porch
   2. Take the cushions off the couch and call the dog
   3. Tell work I was just kidding about that "being on life support" thing
   4. Finally start that home schooling thing
   5. Start counting down the days to the first pre-season game

Laugh a little, would ya?

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