This Week's Wacks
The 796th Edition
"All the jokes that aren't fit to print"
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February 18th, 2011
A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the "It's a Small World" ride for 40 minutes. Big deal: I was trapped in front of a Black Eyed Peas halftime show for 20 minutes!
What kind of a world is it when people sue because they get stuck on a ride? I know, I know: a world of laughter, a world of tears, a world of hope and a world of fears...
Republicans are saying the Obama economic plan is not working. People continue to lose jobs. Like, say, for example, the President of Egypt
Egypt's President Mubarak resigned on Friday, after he stood in front of the protesters with his shirt off. It didn't help.
Protesters in Egypt say the head of the military is nothing more than former President Mubarak's poodle. His groomer says that's not true!
Sarah Palin hires chief of staff, hinting she's leaning toward a run for the White House. Don't you need a staff to have a chief of one?
Saw an online ad that said, "Look like Lindsay Lohan for free?" Isn't that what got her in trouble?
Wait---I missed Free Taco Day at Taco Bell last week. What's that word I'm trying to think of? Oh, yeah: Yay!!!
Even though they went to pre-school together, Kim Kardashian says she and Paris Hilton don't talk. If only that were true. I think she meant to each other.
Just remember, no matter how disappointed you were with Valentine's Day, imagine how it went at ex-Congressman Christopher Lee's house. Feeling better?
Lady Gaga showed up to the Grammy's in a giant egg. Not surprising by her standards, but it did inspire Charlie Sheen to have another drug test.
Frankly, showing up to the Grammy's in a giant egg doesn't shock me -- I always suspected Lady Gaga would be high-cholesterol. Too much of her can't be good for you...
Actually, Lady Gaga showing up inside of a giant eggshell just proves what I've said all along: she's nothing but a big yoke!
For the record, the Chicken arrived at the Grammy's a full half hour before Lady Gaga arrived in the egg. In case you're wondering which came first...
Yes, Monday was Valentine's Day, but Tuesday is the day we can show her how much we love her at half-price!
You know, up until the Grammy's, I would have guessed that Esperanza Spalding was the name of the ball girl for a Brazilian soccer team.
Charlie Sheen was complaining about being ready to go back to work and the network NOT being ready. CBS told him to take two hookers and call them in the morning.
Liz Taylor is in the hospital being treated for an on-going heart problem. I though the 8 marriages would have pointed that out a long time ago...
It was Ladies Night at the Grammy. The big winners were Lady Antebellum, Lady Gaga and there was a special salute to the song, "Lady of Spain."
Christina Aguilera's divorce has been finalized. It was a pretty typical divorce settlement, except for a few forgotten words.
Michael Jackson's hair stylist said the late singer was worried that his upcoming London shows would have flopped and he would end up working at McDonalds. I'm shocked: Michael had a hair stylist?
Home Depot says it's going to add 60,000 seasonal jobs. May I suggest you look for applicants out in the parking lot?
The prime minister of Italy is being charged with trying to coverup having sex with a teenager. No comment from the prime minister or his wife, Hillario.
I have a friend who had the absolutely worst day Tuesday. It began by finding out that Valentine's Day had been on Monday.
So now we have super-brain computers playing on our game shows. Did we not learn anything from "The Terminator" movies? Wait. Who are you? What do you mean you're from the future? Look, buddy... AWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Italy's Prime Minister says he's not worried about charges that he hired a teenage prostitute. After all, he paid her in Lira... not like that is real money.
The Los Angeles schools are threatening to layoff 5,000 teachers and staff members. As one student puts it: "That's probably not going to make anything gooder."
Our job retention tip of the day: whenever posting pictures on Craigslist, always leave your shirt on.
I really need a life coach... if for no other reason, to fire him.
Oh-oh, bad sign: Egypt's former President Mubarak? I just saw him talking with Bret Favre.
They say in the aftermath of the recent protests in Egypt that several valuable artifacts from the Egyptian museum are missing. It's a long-shot, but police are still questioning Lindsay Lohan.
Being happy that Watson the computer did well on Jeopardy is one thing. “Watson for President” is getting a little carried away.
Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If it happens, it would create the most efficient way to waste time in 140 characters.
Billy Ray Cyrus is worried about his daughter Miley, and claims that his family is under attack by Satan. Lindsay Lohan says she was out of town that weekend, which ever weekend it was that he was talking about.
Now there’s even an ap that helps you find free condoms and where they’re available in New York City. “Honey, stay here, I’ll be right back.…..”
I keep hearing these rumors about Donald Trump running for president. Then they’d have to rename the jet, Hair Force One.
TOP FIVE REASONS FEBRUARY IS A SHORT MONTH
1. Better odds of not forgetting Valentine's Day
2. Desperate fans trying to figure a way to hurry up the return of baseball
3. Christina Aguilera forgot to put the rest of the days in
4. Three of the days had to be laid off
5. Gives Charlie Sheen the best chance of making it an entire month sober
TOP FIVE LITTLE KNOWN THINGS ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN
1. Her favorite football team: the Steelers
2. Kleptomaniacs say she's giving them a bad name
3. She canceled, but was planning to do a "Top 8" list on Letterman tonight (two of the items are mysteriously missing)
4. Most of her friends have "Lindsay's coming to visit" floor safes
5. Herbie the Love Bug actually couldn't stand to work with her
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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