This Week's Wacks

The 797th Edition
"Don't read things this small.  It'll strain your eyes!"

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February 25th, 2011

You realize that we're exactly 10 months away from Christmas, right?

The cast of "Glee" has now officially earned more hits on the Billboard Top 100 than Elvis Presley. However, in total number of Peanut Butter and Nama sandwiches consumed, the Glee cast is still a distant second to The King.

Joanne Siegel, the woman who was the inspiration for the Superman character Lois Lane, died last week at the age of 93. Superman tried that flying around the earth backwards trick again, but it didn't work this time..

I support our troops. I don't support our athletes. They can buy something for that.

You know, I look at Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi and two things come to mind: 1) Someone's coloring their hair and 2) I wouldn't start any new magazine subscriptions if I were you.

The governor of Wisconsin and school teachers are having a showdown. The teachers say the governor is trying to pack their contract with costs...the governor says if they aren't willing to pay a fair amount of their healthcare, then they're stealing from the state. Wow, it's the Packers versus the Stealers all over again!

The Seattle Times has endorsed legalizing marijuana in Washington state. In a related story, the Times also announced they're going to start delivering pizzas with their newspapers.

As we celebrate President's Day, let's not forget the immortal words of George Washington, who once said, "Brushing your teeth daily prevents termites."

Yep, getting older. My wife and I have started playing this game where, when we go into a store and bump into someone we know, we score a point. But it only counts if we can remember their name.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend are supposedly about to be engaged. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear the office pools being formed...

A new survey says that 51% would give up sex to be thin. 100% of guys responded with "Bite your tongue!"

A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving their money than dying. Oh, please -- I ran out of THAT stuff years ago.

American kids who work more than 21 hours a week at a job are more likely to get bad grades. In China, kids who work only 21 hours a week are called "under 5 years old."

Last year, the Kardashian sisters made $65 million. But so you know, only half of that was through dating.

Justin Bieber was the MVP at the NBA's All-Star Weekend Celebrity Basketball game. The game will be the inspiration for Justin's next move, "Never Say Airball."

The Oscars are this Sunday, when we get to see Hollywood's new faces attached to the old actors and actresses.

We're going to try a $1 coin again. This time, Andrew Johnson is on the face side. You know, if we want those to really catch on: put Jay-Lo on the "tails" side!

In Wisconsin, the governor and state workers are at a stand-still. Oh, they're still mad at each other -- it's just that they've all frozen.

An online poll says that Chelsea Handler is funnier than Ellen DeGeneres. Another example of "Don't believe everything you see online."

Home Depot has posted their largest quarterly profits in five years. They knew they could do it. You helped.

Bankrupt Blockbuster video has put itself up for sale. I wonder if they'd let me just rent the company, if it returned it in five days?

Why is it the only way I can get women to follow me is on Twitter?

We're getting snow in the Seattle area. In the city, an inch or so, but some outlying areas had up to 9-inches. Another reason why you shouldn't be out lying.

Kathy Griffin is said to be dating the actor in the Old Spice commercials, Isaiah Mustafa. Look at her... now look back at him... now look at her looking him looking back at you!

Rapper Tru Life has pled guilty to stabbing someone. When life imitates art imitating life... wait, I'm losing track here...

A new survey says that cellphone use can affect your brainwave activity. True not it's that sure.

TOP FIVE WAYS TO HINT TO A CO-WORKER THEY'RE WEARING TOO MUCH PERFUME

   1. During your meeting, have oxygen masks drop from the ceiling
   2. Institute a company-wide "Clothespin on Nose Day"
   3. Yell out, "Gas attack! Everyone evacuate! Oh, wait, it's just Heather again."
   4. Put a tiny mask on her beta fish
   5. When she's not looking, switch a dead plant for her live one

TOP FIVE SIGNS CHARLIE SHEEN IS GETTING BETTER

  1. He can actually account for his whereabouts for every minute of the past 24 seconds
  2. Paparazzi went home, saying thereís nothing else they could possibly get
  3. For two nights in a row, he actually woke up under his own bed
  4. Not paying as much for hookers (of course, thatís the bulk rate discount kicking in)
  5. He says heís switched to Crack Light

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

PS--Part 2 of the differences between men & women in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
PSPS--Read my blog this week, and the term "Up periscope" will have an entirely new meaning. Click here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack