This Week's Wacks
The 798th Edition
"May none of your Charlies ever be Sheen's!"
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March 4th, 2011
Sharon Stone has gotten a restraining order against a guy who claims he is Hillary Clinton's son and that he wrote "The King's Speech" when he was two years old. I'm no mental health expert, but I'm going to say "good call."
Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding gave birthday to a baby boy ten days ago. There have been no arrests so far.
A woman in Florida was arrested for attacking her roommate because she ate her Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. Another case of wrongful arrest.
Outspoken Charlie Sheen keeps saying things that tick people off. Makes me think he's considering a run for vice-president.
Stocks are dropping, house prices are dropping... so you can understand why I'm constantly checking my pants.
Well, once again, the Oscars have come and gone. I thought Anne Hathaway did an outstanding job, but James Franco made it seem like it lasted 127 hours.
The toughest part of the evening was prying Kirk Douglas off Melissa Leo's leg.
Melissa Leo won the Best Supporting Actress award for "The Fighter," although that's not the F-word she'll be remembered for...
Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress, although -- after the show -- a woman who looked like her and wearing a feathery black outfit stole the trophy from her.
Lots of Oscars for "The King's Speech." Boy, who could have seen THAT coming?
Charlie Sheen should realize that it's now time to worry. I mean, when Lindsay Lohan says she's worried about you...
For the third year in a row, Forbes Magazine has named Seattle as the country's most "miserable sports town." I'm shocked. Only three years?
People are being so hard on James Franco and Anne Hathaway and their hosting of the Academy Awards. You know what their problem was? Ricky Gervais didn't host the year before.
These days, I'm saying "Have a Yap Birthday." Yap is a combination of "Yay" and "Crap!"
It's a book deal for Bristol Palin, who will get a nice chunk of money for writing about her life. Was there something -- anything -- that we didn't know about?
You know what's become my most favorite part of the day? Those early morning hours, when you can enjoy the peace and quiet of your surroundings. You know---the time before Charlie Sheen gets up and starts talking to everyone.
Charlie Sheen says if he's insane, he's OK with that. All in favor? Opposed? The Yay's have it.
Charlie Sheen needs one of two things: a mute button or laryngitis.
Remember back when saying, "Well, he's no Charlie Sheen!" was an insult?
What I'm waiting for is for Groupon to offer me a half-off price on a Living Social deal that would let me hire someone to check the offers every day on Tippr and Dealswarm.
In a new book, Pope Benedict exonerates the Jews for Jesus death. Good to know he doesn't hold a grudge.
A new survey reveals that 19% of us surf the web while driving. The number used to be higher, but of course, those people were surfing the web while driving.
I would just like to personally thank Charlie Sheen for making me feel so normal.
Yesterday was such a busy day. The first time I even had a chance to look at my watch was around 11 o'clock. I'm not sure of the time because I had forgotten to wear it. Yep, that kind of day…..
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR CARD-GIVING HOLIDAYS
1. Charlie Sheen Day
2. Mother-in-Law's Day
3. Neighbor that Never Returned the Weed Wacker Day
4. Proctologist's Day
5. Boss's Day
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE STAYING IN A REALLY CHEAP HOTEL
1. They steal YOUR towels
2. While calling to complain that you can hear the couple next door, they yell out, "No he can't!"
3. Cockroaches refuse to stay there
4. The security system barks all night
5. "Thanks for the mint on the pillow? We didn't leave you a mint on the pillow!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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