This Week's Wacks

The 799th Edition
"Just one away!"

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March 11th, 2011

President Obama needed to take drastic measures and he has: there is now a no-fly zone over Charlie Sheen.

Another human being took on Watson the computer the other day and won, doing the obvious: when the questions begin, just unplug him!

The good news: Brooke Mueller has gotten her twin boys back from Charlie Sheen and they're safe and sound. The bad news: her two baby sitters are Lindsay Lohan and Christina Aguilera.

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen says he's ready to go to court and fight for the custody of his kid as soon as someone will point out where the front door is...

I'm starting to come down with a cold, so I went to the store for some cold medicine and they had three choices: regular, extra strength and "Charlie Sheen"!

Funny line I heard for the first time: (I don't get out much) -- "I love my country... .. and I love it LOUD!"

You know, I'd give my right arm to see "127 Hours".

In an attempt to control the nation's uprising, Libya has blocked the internet. I don't know if I would want to live in a country where people weren't staring at their cell phones and actually looked you in the eye.

A lot of celebrities check into hotels under fake names. I've found out that no one will come near me if I check in under the name "Mel Gibson."

Tuesday was Mardi Gras -- "Fat Tuesday"!  The day our show became #1-- as people consider what to give up for Lent.

Justin Bieber Tweeted over the weekend that he's not going to shave for a month so you can see his mustache! I'm shocked -- he shaves?

Yeah, it's about time to go in and ask the boss for a "cost of filling up" raise.

You know, if we could somehow figure out how to build houses out of gasoline: problem solved! I suppose the problem would be when you wanted to have a fire...

Wow! Charlie Sheen was fired from "2-1/2 Men". Who could have seen THAT coming?

Warner Brothers has officially fired Charlie Sheen from "Two and a Half Men." To quote the CEO and chairman of the company: "Winning!"

Warner Brothers spokesman Porky Pig added, "Uh, thee, uh, thee, uh, thee, uh, that's all, folks!"

P. Diddy says that watching his ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, on American Idol has made him cry twice. Whatever... need to change that name from P. Diddy to D. Pity?

Sarah Palin has called comedian Kathy Griffin a "50-year-old adult bully." Upset by this comment, Kathy stuffed Sarah into a junior high locker.

One thing you've gotta love about trolls: they don't put up with Charlie Sheen.

Kirstie Alley's dance partner says he's impressed with her so far on "Dancing with the Stars." This is Kirstie's first time competing on the show. This is the first time her partner ever wore steel-toed dance shoes.

I'm jealous of the crew of the Discovery space shuttle. Enjoying the quiet of space, thousands of miles above the earth, completely out of range of this whole Charlie Sheen thing...

Charlie says he's tired of dealing with "fools and trolls." When did we elect him to congress?

Hey, great news: a scientist says he's invented a car that runs entirely on Charlie Sheen rants!

Quaker Oats has removed Cap'n Crunch from their website. What's worse: they've demoted him to sailor.

Not mine, but making the rounds--CNN reports: Beginning in early March gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do!!

Another Mardi Gras, come and gone. So, again, I ask-now what am I going to do with all these necklaces!

In a bizarre twist, the producers of "Two and a Half Men" announced they're replacing Charlie Sheen with Moammar Gadhafi.  It may not be a good show, but it does solve two problems at once.

Charlie Sheen put out on Twitter that he needed an intern and so far, 74,000 people have applied.  In a related story, former President Bill Clinton asked, "How the heck does this whole Twitter thing work?"

A Saudi Prince has suggested that maybe women should also have the right to drive. Next thing you know, we might be able to see their uncovered noses!

Buddy Eric tells me that he saw a Tweet after Charlie Sheen was fired from "Two and a Half Men": "Good!  Now we can call it just 'Two Men'."


   1. "Can you give me a ride? I'm about to get sick"
   2. "Wanna see my rash?"
   3. "Aren't you the one that takes personal checks?"
   4. "Ever been on TMZ? Would like to be?"
   5. "Did anyone ever tell you that you remind me of you?"


   1. Send them a $1 card that you paid $5 for
   2. Wait -- don't wish them HAPPY birthday. It's VENTI birthday!
   3. Wish them happy birthday, then go across the street and wish them happy birthday again
   4. After wishing them happy birthday, ask if they'd like something to eat with that
   5. Go in to any Starbucks and order a Double-tall, triple-foam, skinny no-drip Happy Birthday!

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Yeah, there's some Charlie Sheen stuff in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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