This Week's Wacks

Our 800th Edition
"So, where's my card?"

Available on a daily basis through Radio On-line
Click here for a free trial

March 18th, 2011

Time to get out and hit those "After St. Patrick's Day" sales.

Pillsbury introduced Poppin' Fresh on this date in 1961!  Wow, Poppin' Fresh is 50.  That explains, well, you know, why it isn't as easy for him to rise as it once was…..

Comedian Gallagher collapsed on stage during a show in Minnesota Thursday night. He went to the hospital where he smashed a urine sample with a sledgehammer. Just doesn't know when to stop...

In China, an annual St. Patrick's Day parade has been canceled. I thought it was a dumb idea to outsource the event in the first place.

Barbie's boyfriend Ken celebrated his 50th birthday last Friday. Spent a quiet evening at home, not watching TV. The Cialus commercials really bother him.

A giant earthquake in Japan means a tsunami watch on the west coast. Doesn't Charlie Sheen live right on the beach? Somewhere, there are trolls laughing... .

A self-published book of poetry by Charlie Sheen has become a hot commodity on Ebay...and a lot of publicity for the folks in Nantucket

Friends say that, 15 years later, Monica Lewinsky never married because she's still not over Bill Clinton. Plus, he still owes her for the drying cleaning...

Some Verizon phones actually fell back an hour instead of springing ahead during time change weekend. "Can you tell me what time it is NOW?"

I heard that Larry the Cable Guy is thinking about changing his last name to Larry to Satellite Dish Guy. Could be just a bad rumor...

Charlie Sheen. There's actually no news involving him. Just trying to keep up with all the other news folks.

Until we get all this Japan stuff figured out, can we just get a gag order for Charlie Sheen? He's seeming so incredibly insignificant right now.

Mel Gibson has become a grandfather for the third time. I wonder if all the grandkids refer to him as "Old Yeller". Remember what happened to Old Yeller at the end of the movie?

Some good news from Japan: the one nuclear reactor they were really worried about is actually in better shape than Charlie Sheen. I still don't feel better.

After reading Gilbert Gottfried's Tweets, I'm thinking the AFLAC duck was the brains of the operation.

Singer Bryan Adams is going to become a father for the first time at age 51 with help from his long-time personal assistant. Obviously, she'll assist with pretty much everything.

A new study shows that people who walk their dogs get more exercise than people who don't. I hope we didn't spend a lot of money on that study.

A bill making its way through the state legislature would ban human cloning in Minnesota. No offense Minnesota, but if we started cloning humans, I doubt we'd start there.

PepsiCo Inc. unveiled a new bottle Tuesday made entirely of plant material that reduces the carbon footprint plastic bottles make on the earth. The new bottle is made from switch grass, pine bark and corn husks which, ironically, is what Charlie Sheen is smoking these days.

Charlie Sheen has announced three more dates? Big deal! It wouldn't be the first time he's been with three girls at the same... oh, you mean CONCERT dates! That's different.

They say there's no danger of any radioactive fallout on America's west coast, but I'm going to keep wearing my lead leisure suit just in case. Good thing I kept that thing...

Demi Lovato has a new wrist tattoo: a heart, to remind her of her fans.  Actually, a CD sales chart would do the same thing and it's a lot less painful.

The latest stats show the death rate down and life expectancy up in the United States.  I still may live long enough to see the housing market recover.

Singer George Michael told a judge this week that he deserved to go to jail for his behavior as a celebrity.  I would somehow think that the line begins over there behind Charlie Sheen.

The day after daylight-saving time is supposed to be the worst day of the year for car accidents. Well, if they didn't make it so difficult to fix the dashboard clock while you're driving, this wouldn't happen.

Everyone is so wigged out over an NFL lockout. With so many problems in the world, I'm not going to worry about that one until August at the earliest.

Japan is spending most of it's time downplaying the meltdowns, insisting there's no danger.  The same thing the U.S. is saying to Japan about Charlie Sheen.

TOP FIVE REASONS GILBERT GOTTFRIED GAVE FOR BEING SO INSENSITIVE

   1. The rising sun was in my eyes
   2. I never should have listened to that UCLA student
   3. I thought between Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, no one was looking
   4. Hey, the truth? The AFLAC duck gave me those jokes
   5. Too many Comedy Central roasts

TOP FIVE WAYS TO IRRITATE CHARLIE SHEEN

   1. Every time he says, "Winning," you reply, "Whining!"
   2. Talk about how much you admire Rob Lowe and John Stamos
   3. Tell him the goddesses have switched to "Cash up front"
   4. Dress up like a troll
   5. Feature him in a hit TV show

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

PS--Beans and Boohbah make up this week's E-Mail of the Week.
PSPS--Vonning, a salute to Sonia and did you know the world ends this weekend?  Click here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack