This Week's Wacks

Our 801st Edition
"801 and still havin' fun!"

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March 25th, 2011

Christmas is exactly 9 months from today.

Sales of Diet Coke passed those of regular Pepsi last year. Just for the taste of it.

Saturday's "Supermoon" was supposed to bring the world to an end. Apparently, the judges chose to exercise their one save.

According to Shop Smart magazine, the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes. As a guy, doesn't that seem like 16 too many?

17 pairs of shoes. That's per closet, right?

17 seems low. 117 seems low.

President Obama went on ESPN and made his NCAA tournament picks. I guess he's still ticked at the Prime Minister of Japan. Everyone else had filled in their brackets and got their money in on time...

In DC, the House has voted to end funding for NPR. I heard them already talking what cutbacks they're going to have to make today on "Moped Talk."

The west coast is not in danger of any radiation fallout. This according to the California Nuclear Safety Board, now located in New York.

Remember back when someone said, "You look radiant!" was a compliment and not an accusation?

AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39-billion which will offer even more places to have my calls dropped.

Hardees is introducing a 500-calorie turkey burger to their menu. Don't worry, you can make up for it with fries.

The good news: I'm currently 10th in my March Madness brackets. The bad news, there were only 10 people in my March Madness Brackets.

Starbucks has announced it'll be raising it's drink prices. In a related story, the ocean announced it was going to get a little wetter.

It was five years ago this week that Jack Dorsey sent out the first Tweet on Twitter. It was one small step for a hand, one giant leap for handkind.

Actually, his message was "Watson. Get on Facebook and friend me." Of course, Watson being an intelligent computer turned him down.

Kirstie Alley did quite well on her first night on "Dancing with the Stars". 7.8 with the judges and 9.2 on the Richter.

President Obama said that the radiation from Japan falling on the west coast of the U.S. is nothing to worry about... and if you can't believe a guy spending the week in South America, who can you believe?

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty says he's considering a run for president in 2012. Many folks in Minnesota were shocked -- he was once the governor?

Speaking of presidential candidates, Donald Trump is said to be considering throwing his hairpiece into the ring.

Sammy Hagar says he's been both kidnapped and probed by aliens. Charlie Sheen asked him if he'd gotten any phone numbers.

It's going around: Did you hear that AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married? There will be a ceremony but, of course, no reception.

Top Chef's Tom Colicchio has welcomed his 3rd son. Obviously, someone's been in the kitchen with Dinah...

A new study says that people who have intense exercise or sex have an increased risk of a heart attack. Whew! Safe on both accounts.

Wow, it rained so much in LA last weekend that Charlie Sheen switched from "Winning" to "Swimming!"

During last weekend's "Supermoon," the moon appeared 30% larger than it did 20 years ago. It was like going to the moon's high school reunion!

President Obama has taken swift and decisive action and has ordered an immediate No-Fly zone over Chris Brown.

There was an explosion at Miami's airport.  They were going to check to see if the source of the damage was a fuel tank or Chris Brown.

Did you know that you receive two millirems of radiation just from sleeping with another person?  And my wife laughed at me when I bought those lead pajamas.

Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times.  Needless to say, her passing is quite a jolt to the rice growers.

Harry Houdini's last known surviving stage assistant has died at age 103.OR it's the best trick ever!

A bomb spent three weeks in a lost and found of a federal office in Detroit. First time I ever felt sorry for a bomb.


  1.     Lindsay Lohan seen trying to shoplift a lifejacket
  2.     Volunteers sandbagging around Ricki Lake
  3.     Joan Rivers hit flood stage
  4.     Sponge Bob Square Pants complaining about his water weight
  5.     Contestants on "Wheel of Fortune" were buying towels instead of vowels

  1.     Your cell service will suck in ever more places
  2.     T-Mobile can finally get rid of that pesky German ingenuity
  3.     I could share service with that guy talking on his phone in the movie theater
  4.     They get the iPhone, we get Catherine Zeta Jones
  5.     They could change the name to AT and T-Mobile


  1.     "Then I'll stop doing it in tents"
  2.     "Some things are just worth the risk!"
  3.     "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
  4.     "Yeah, but what a way to go!"
  5.     "Then I'll live forever!"

Laugh a little, would ya?

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