This Week's Wacks
Our 803rd Edition
"My sister Debbie's 50th birthday! In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons, "Ha-Ha!"
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April 8th, 2011
It'll be interesting to see if the federal government actually shuts down and congress achieves what terrorists couldn't.
New research shows that maple syrup is rich in antioxidants. It's pouring it on bacon that puts you back at square one.
So, I go to fill up my car on Friday not realizing gas had gone up to $4.83! I walked up to the window and said to the cashier, "$4.83 a gallon?" and she replied, "APRIL FUELS!"
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has a new book coming out that isn't too complimentary to Bill Gates. In it, he also claims that he was the one that came up with the name, "Microsoft." Al Gore quickly jumped in and said he was the one that invented Paul Allen.
Now in Japan,they're saying that radioactive water has been leaking into the ocean. Just how "Godzilla" is this whole thing going to get?
Charlie Sheen's first live show was Saturday night in Detroit. He's calling it "Torpedoes of Truth," although it sounds like quite a bit of the audience was hit by friendly-fire.
The show was rated R for "refund."
President Obama has announced he's running for re-election next year. The announcement was greeting with cheer and applause... and that was just from the Republicans!
Never before has truth been such a torpedo.
Judge Judy is out of the hospital. It may not be big news to you, but then again, you're not at a nurse at that hospital.
It was Butler versus Connecticut last night... otherwise known as But-Conn.
A voluntary recall is underway for an erectile dysfunction product. Apparently, there were no hard feelings.
BP has asked for permission to drill in the Gulf of Mexico again. President Obama said, "Sure, as long as Lindsay Lohan stays out of trouble." I think we're safe.
A woman in the United Kingdom left her daughter out of her will because she didn't like the name of one of her grandkids. Isn't that just one of the great things about having grandkids?
Of course, this explains how she got her new nickname, Grandma Biotch.
President Obama trying to keep the government from shutting down must feel like the producer of Charlie Sheen's tour. "I need to keep it going... uh, I think."
I think this was the first week I knew who was going home this week on "Dancing with the Stars" last week.
Dish Network just paid $228-million for Blockbuster... with no late fees.
By the way, Southwest Airlines would like to clear things up: those aren't holes in the ceiling in their jets -- they're sun roofs!
BP is seeking permission to drill in the Gulf of Mexico again. How about with the stipulation, "Right after you gather up all that stuff in the water!"?
The two big controversies out there that has everybody on edge this morning: the federal government might shut down and Charlie Sheen's concert tour might not.
A new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll shows that the second favorite Republican candidate so far (even thought he's not yet officially a candidate) is Donald Trump. If he does throw his hat into the ring, he's gotta first make sure his hair is not attached.
Frankly, I like the idea of a president who might point his finger at the vice-president one day and say, "You're fired!"
TOP FIVE OTHER POSSIBLE TITLES FOR CHARLIE SHEEN'S TOUR
#1) The Race for the Refund
#2) Portraits of Pathetic
#3) The "What was I thinking when I bought this ticket" tour
#4) The Storage Tank of Inadequate
#5) The Prince of Pointless
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOU MAY BE IN TAX TROUBLE
#1) The I.R.S. agent you're with wearing a bib because of excess drooling
#2) Uncle Sam has asked that you not say "uncle" any more. Just Sam.
#3) You're being featured on the new cable show, "America's Most Wanted Tax Cheats"
#4) IRS has placed wheel locks on your car AND your bicycles
#5) FTD just delivered a "You're in tax trouble bouquet"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Holy humor and music for your mood are featured on this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
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