This Week's Wacks

Our 805th Edition
"We hid our Easter Eggs inside the chicken.  Good luck!"

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April 22nd, 2011

A public health official in Ontario warned Charlie Sheen that he was not allowed to smoke on stage during his Toronto shows. Like THAT'S the biggest threat to his health...

I keep looking on Facebook at the "People I may know." How did I get to not know so many people?

The Lady Liberty "Forever" stamp was supposed to feature the famous Statue of Liberty. Turns out what you're seeing on the stamp is a picture of the replica standing in front of a Las Vegas casino. You know the old saying: "What's mailed in Vegas stays in Vegas... at least three days before they do something with it."

It's Holy Week -- Ladies and Gentlemen, hide your eggs!

People Magazine has named Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman in the world... or the Best-Looking Jenny on the world-wide block.

Dr. Phil's second grandchild is on the way. His son and daughter-in-law passed along the good news last week. Apparently that dog still hunts.

Charlie Sheen is organizing a bi-polar awareness walk. He says it'll be the greatest thing you ever love AND hate.

I don't know why, but for some strange reason, I woke up Monday morning feeling so taxed.

MSNBC reports that there's a nationwide shortage on drugs for ADD. That makes sense. Our country has this huge deficit disorder and no one is paying attention to it.

Lady Gaga claims that she does not believe in plastic surgery. I agree with her, but I have to admit, without it, I would still be working in the circus.

Denise Richards has offered to take care of Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen's twin sons, since Brooke is heading back into rehab and Charlie is, well, Charlie.

For whatever reason, the words "spay" and "neuter" keep popping up in my mind...

Gary Busey has endorsed Donald Trump for president. I don't know which one that says more about.

I know when it comes to sound political wisdom and choices, I always turn to Gary Busey.

"Teen Mom 2" star Leah Messer has filed for divorce from her husband Corey Simms after just six months of marriage. Who could have seen that coming?

Major League Baseball has taken over day-to-day operations of the Los Angeles Dodgers.  It saw how spending was out of control andů.huh: I wonder if we should try this with congress?

First quarter profits were down 28% in the first quarter for Yahoo. They were so  disappointed, they're thinking of changing their name to just "Yippee".

The good news: President Obama has found someone who will testify in court that he was born in Hawaii.  The bad news: it's Barry Bonds.

I was at a book signing when some woman started yelling at me, "Why are you writing in all those books?" and chased me out of the library.

TOP FIVE EASTER PRACTICAL JOKES YOU CAN PULL

    #1)  Hide all your Easter eggs in cement (make 'em earn 'em this year)
    #2)  Put helium in those hollow chocolate bunnies so they float
    #3)  Put cotton balls in living room and tell kids the Easter Bunny's losing his hair
    #4)  Use fake artificial grass
    #5)  Create bunny footprints leading to underneath the car in driveway

TOP FIVE TYPES OF PEOPLE THE EASTER BUNNY DOESN'T VISIT

    #1)  People who put all their things in one basket (hey, there's no room for candy!)
    #2)  The ones who use the phrase "Tastes just like chicken!"
    #3)  Elmer Fudd during "Wabbit Season"
    #4)  People with artificial allergies to artificial grass
    #5)  Folks with a "Santa brings better stuff" embroidered sign in their home


Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

PS--A Mexican headstone, Easter songs and a joke all await you on this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
PSPS--On the blog, a true confession and my connection to Pine Valley. Click here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack