This Week's Wacks
Our 806th Edition
"Into everyone's life a little rain must fall, except in Seattle. Then it's a lot"
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April 29th, 2011
You know, you could save a lot of people a lot of time standing around if the Pope had to Tweet his annual Easter message.
I had some friends with birthdays yesterday. Needless to say, most got those combo "Easter/Birthday gifts".
I suggested to the pastor that next year on Easter, instead of passing the plate, have the congregation put their offerings inside eggs, hide them and make the ushers have to find them.
Prince William and Kate Middleton say they're not going to have a "Fairy Tale" wedding. To demonstrate how serious they are, their fairy godmother was NOT invited to the wedding.
A new study says that blonde women earn 7% more than other women. Now who's dumb?
Easter has come and gone... and now all your eggs ARE in one basket.
Easter's a little trickier than Halloween. Your kid has a visual record in that wide-open basket of exactly how much candy they have.
Don't worry about finding that last Easter egg. In a couple of weeks, it'll be no problem.
They're saying there's an increase in oral cancer because of the increase of oral sex. Of course, the obvious solution: more marriages!
You should adopt the Hunter family Easter tradition: celebrate on the following Tuesday. That way, on Monday, you can get all the candy at 50% off.
The Kohler Company is coming out with a $6,000 toilet with features like an MP3 player and a touch-screen remote control. I'll take the old $100 kind and a newspaper any day.
Charlie Sheen says that one of his goddesses broke up with him by text message. Oh, wait a minute -- I don't care!
Norio Ohga, the man credited with developing the compact disc, has died at the age of 81. Apparently the chief suspect is the inventor of the cassette.
Triple-A says that the number of people running out of gas on the road is up 25% this year. The good news: we're walking more!
A new poll finds that only 58 percent of Americans can correctly identify Libya as being in North Africa. What's worse, 10% thought Libya is what George W. Bush would be called if he became a democrat.
An air traffic controller that fell asleep twice at the Boeing Field airport in Seattle has been fired. What's worse, they had to wake him up to do it, right in the middle of a really cool dream with Angelina Jolie.
I am witness to the circle of life. As a young boy, banana splits were a dessert, featuring bananas, ice cream, chocolate and nuts. Then, it was a really dumb kids show on TV. Today, it's back to being a dessert. And the circle is complete.
The last typewriter-manufacturing plant in the world is going to close in Mumbai, India. It's said that a quick red fox was so upset, it jumped over a lazy brown dog.
So, what is gas going for now? I haven't bought any since 5am.
Lindsay Lohan made a surprise appearance on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno Monday night. It really was a surprise -- she thought it was the ladies room.
Hubert "Hub" Schlafly, who helped invent the teleprompter, has died at age (long pause) 91. Uh, a little faster please!
Rob Conrad says that when he heard the news that the inventor of the teleprompter had died, President Obama was speechless.
Teleprompters allow news anchors and presidents to stare at the camera, look you in the eye and say exactly what they read.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the new model for luxury handbag maker Coach. If I were her, I would have held out for First Class.
According to medical researchers, smoking, drinking, lack of exercise and a poor diet can age a person by 12 years. That is, if you really work at it!
So, President Obama has produced his birth certificate. Thus, not only has he proven he was born in the United States, but he is also now officially our country's first Hawaiian president!
The Oakland Raiders' home stadium is going to be renamed Overstock.com Stadium. That oughta lock in winning the "Most Ironic Name" award.
Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His official campaign slogan: "Who?"
Katie Couric says she's done being a network news anchor. Would she consider going back to "The Today Show"? No, she says she needs a job where she would get more sleep. Air traffic controller comes to mind……
Steve Carrell's leaving the office. Katie Couric's leaving the CBS Evening News……OK, what are you people not telling me!
OK, "I needed to watch the royal wedding live" fans, time to get up!
Hey, Peter Frampton--if you're talking about sore, achy and stiff--I do "feel like you do!"
Oh, boy-the white iPhone is now in stores! But you can't use it after Labor Day, right?
Steve Jobs says that no one at Apple is tracking people who own iPhones. But they do think you should stop biting your nails.
A painting of two topless women by Paul Gauguin in National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. was physically attacked by a woman who beat the artwork with her fists while screaming "this is evil." She's right. It's called "gluttony". One is sufficient.
TOP FIVE THINGS THE EASTER BUNNY PLANS TO DO, NOW THAT EASTER'S OVER
#1) Go on vacation to -- where else? -- Easter Island.
#2) Get more hare implants
#3) Open a medicinal artificial grass dispensary
#4) Buy that 50% off candy and store it for next year
#5) Take down his Easter lights
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS WEEK'S 90-MINUTE "GLEE"
#1) Someone explains to Brittany where mail comes from
#2) Emma high-pressure washes the locker room drinking fountain
#3) Rachel falls madly in love with a picture of herself
#4) Sue Sylvester takes over Libya and grows tired of it
#5) Puck writes a poem about his name
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Tips for seniors and other treats await on this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
PSPS--On the blog, royal wedding--royal schmedding. Click here
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack