Time to get out there and hit those "After Cinco de Mayo" sales!
January Jones of "Mad Men" is pregnant, but won't identify the father. That, of course, makes me wonder if she doesn't want to share, or she doesn't know.
Kate Middleton wore an amazing dress at the royal wedding on Friday. Last time I saw a train that long, I was already ten minutes late for a dentist appointment.
Exxon made $11-BILLION during the first quarter of this year. It's the old classic story: boy finds oil, boy spills oil, boy cleans up a little of the oil, boy jacks prices up. How many times are we going to live through this?
I was very disappointed in the Royal Wedding last week. I was told Ricky Gervais was going to emcee!
Osama bin Laden is dead. Now to return the broomstick to the Wizard and go home.
Finally, we found bin Laden. Now to nail that pesky Waldo once and for all.
This score just in: Navy Seal Team 6, Osama nothing.
Look, I kept confusing them and saying Obama when I meant Osama. One of them had to go.
Bin Laden was buried at sea. A spokescrab for the Crab Union said, "Hey, we're not eating that!"
This one's going around -- Osama's last words? "This is Abbottabad as it gets."
Thanks to Greg Hersholdt for this one: Osama bin Laden just met his eternal reward: 72 sturgeons
A new study found that students who use Facebook while studying have 20 percent lower grades than students who focus on... something... ooh, gotta "like" that!
Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are now officially divorced. Hey girls, he's available!!
So they buried bin Laden's body at sea, huh? I smell a new villain on an upcoming "Pirates of the Caribbean!"
According to an article in the Journal of Animal Ethics, calling your dog or cat a "pet" is insulting to them. Better not go into the Pet Food section of the store any more. Don't want to insult them. Wonder what they're going to eat?
Not only did Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon become parents of twins over the weekend, they also marked their 3rd Anniversary by renewing their wedding vows. They renew their wedding vows like I renew magazine subscriptions.
My friend Vivian gets credit for this one: I hear the Navy Seals are getting their own TV show: "Extreme Home Takeover"!
Interesting that the same week Steve Carell left "The Office," Osama bin Laden left "The Compound."
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. Apparently, there was some kind of mix up and he was greeted by 72 guys named "Virgil."
Everyone's trying to capitalize on this bin Laden thing. Now, the Discovery Channel is identifying Osama bin Laden as one of the guest stars on their next "Shark Week."
Yes, this will go down as the week that Kendra Wilkinson and Osama bin Laden were both eliminated.
Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the number one threat to America goes back to being Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen toured a tornado-ravaged area of Alabama on Monday. For a while there, it was tough to figure out which one was the biggest disaster. To show how bad it was down there, Alabama won.
Microsoft is bringing back "Clippy," the cartoon paperclip that used to pop up in Word documents. Rumor has it that he just got out of rehab.
A new study says that one out of every seven Americans are on food stamps. Just a quick reminder to six out of seven Americans -- you're the ones paying for them.
USA TODAY is already offering up a collection of royal wedding photos in something called "a book". That's a Kindle, but made out of paper, right?
A new study links bottle babies with obesity. The first picture in my mind was trying to burp Kirstie Alley.
A new study shows that 47% of the people that live in Detroit can't read. No sense putting that one in the newspaper.
TOP FIVE CLUMSY MOMENTS AT LAST WEEK'S ROYAL WEDDING
#1) Boy George showing up in the same dress as the queen
#2) During Garter toss, Prince William forgot to remove garter from Kate first
#3) Took three attempts to get that "House of Love" entrance just perfect
#4) A gust of wind caught Prince Charles ears and for a moment, he was air born
#5) Due to a terrible miscommunication, the Kansas City Royals showed up, uninvited
TOP FIVE THINGS THE NAVY SEALS MIGHT HAVE SAID AT OSAMA BIN LADEN'S FRONT DOOR
#1) "Hey, it's Charlie Sheen! Wanna party?"
#2) "Hey, it's Rockmad from next door. Your dog just pooped on my lawn again!"