This Week's Wacks

Our 808th Edition
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May 13th, 2011

The Chicago home featured in the movie "Home Alone" is up for sale, yours for just $2.4-million. Just be very, very careful on the walk-through.

Another Mother's Day behind us... and, once again, the price range has been set for Father's Day gifts. Just take what you spent on Mother's Day and divide it in half.

This one's going around: Last night I went to a bar and ordered a "Bin Laden"--two shots and a splash of water.

Michelle Obama is being criticized for some of the guests she invited to the White House for a poetry event... especially that guy from Nantucket!

Lady Gaga coached the four finalists on "American Idol" this week, teaching them to be winners. The Lakers could have used her a lot more.

Charlie Sheen has taught his two-year-old sons how to say the word, "rehab." I've heard it's good to start with the most-commonly used words first.

Sen. John McCain met last week with the CEO of Twitter. McCain wanted to find out once and for all how he sent out all those messages without stamps!

Even more than I hope that mom enjoyed the flowers I gave her on Sunday, I really hope the neighbors don't notice them missing from their yard.

OK, so now what am I supposed to do with all these "L.A. Lakers Three-Peat Champs" t-shirts?

What do Phil Jackson and Osama bin Laden have in common? Both saw their careers come to an end, thanks to great shooting.

A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the world's oldest newlyweds. They plan to spend their honeymoon getting out of the car.

A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. Not me. I'm thinking even Satan has standards.

Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. I'm sure "Charlie" took some serious hits this year, thank you very much Mr. Sheen.

It seems that Osama bin Laden had a stash of "herbal Viagra" in his compound. Sometimes he needed help having all those hard feelings...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated, after 25 years of marriage. His last words as he walked out of the house, "I may not be back!"

Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18th wedding. Tomorrow they plan to book the honeymoon and order the case of industrial strength Viagra.

Last night was "Prom night" on Glee. First time I was ever stood up by my TV.

A man in Texas is proudly showing off the face transplant he received two months ago. One more and he can get into politics.

Sales at McDonald's went up 6% in April. For the number of times I bumped into you there, I'm not surprised.

All this fuss over Seal Team Six. You gotta wonder how teams one through five are feeling.

According to the Wall Street Journal, men cry more as they get older. Hey -- sometimes the words "I'm just not in the mood" really hurt!

After plastic surgery rumors were going around, Bristol Palin has admitted she had some work done. I'm just excited to see the words "Bristol Palin" and "work" together in the same story.

They've found George Washington's home-made beer recipe.

    #1)  Paul Revere's One LIte if by land, two if by sea
    #2)  No turning bock
    #3)  Pre-Amber to the Constitution"
    #4)  "Give me liberty or give me" Heff
    #5)  Ben Franklin's Kite Light


    #1)  Be Lindsay Lohan
    #2)  Become Arnold Schwarzenegger's marriage counselor
    #3)  Dress up like Osama bin Laden at a Navy Seal reunion
    #4)  Bring a dog to a Cat Show
    #5)  Bring a cat to a Dog Show 

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--See a Seal sneaking up on Osama bin Laden on this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
PSPS--First time I've ever done anything like this. Click here
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack