This Week's Wacks
Our 809th Edition
"She's real fine in my 809"
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May 20th, 2011
Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship golf tournament after only 9 holes. To be clear, I said 9 "holes," not ho's.
I think I read somewhere once that Tiger really hates to pull out.
That ungodly hat that Princess Beatrice wore to the royal wedding is going to be auctioned off on Ebay for charity. If you didn't see it, to give you an idea of how ugly it was -- Lady Gaga wouldn't be caught dead in it.
Oreo has come out with something called the "Triple Double" Oreo. It's designed for those who just can't get their calories fast enough.
So, Ashton Kutcher is going to take over for Charlie Sheen, huh? Don't know how well the goddesses are going to get along with Demi Moore.
Of course, this will mean less time at home with wife Demi Moore. Ashton's going to be spending more time with "Two and a Half Men" and less time with "Two and a Half Times My Age!"
Lindsay Lohan says she's dropping the last name and from now on, just wants to be referred to as "Lohan." Well, after she's done being referred to as "Inmate #3244553."
President Obama is going to take some golf lessons from a Navy Seal. Apparently, a few weeks ago in Pakistan, this guy shot a couple holes in one.
According to a new survey, 16% of US adults say they have sex 3-4 times a week... 26% say they have sex once or twice a week... and of course, the rest are married.
Yes, they did find porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom when those Navy Seals crashed into his compound. Among the moves found: "Ahmadabad boy" and "She's a real Gijaddie!"
It dawned on me that airline flight attendants are secretly very mean. Oh, sure, they're all smiles as they bring each passenger beverage after beverage, but that's because they're thinking about what's going to happen in a little while: 162 passengers and only three restrooms. Oh, they're evil people.
Donald Trump announced Monday that he will NOT be running for president in 2012. Expect a huge spike in the unemployment rate of comedy writers.
In Brazil, a judge has ruled that a 36-year-old female accountant can legally masturbate at work and watch porn on her work computer. I'll work on the project she's working on...
The U.S. government is suing Starbucks Coffee Company for firing a barista in El Paso because she is a dwarf. Ironically, the former employee is described as a short skinny no-fat single shot who liked room for cream.
NBA great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says he's disappointed there isn't a statue of him outside the Staples Center, where the Los Angeles Lakers call home. You'd think that appearance in the movie "Airplane" would have been enough.
Ke$ha is asking fans to send her their old teeth, so she could make jewelry out of it. How cheap can you get?
A new study says that 40% of pregnancies in the United States are unplanned. Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger immediately said, "No Sh#&@t!"
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is having mixed feelings these days. His marriage is disintegrating then again, on the bright side, Father's Day is coming up.
If nothing else, Arnold has disproved the notion that you can't get good help these days.
Miss Wisconsin had to drop out of the Miss USA pageant after she was charged with identity theft. Funny, but her replacement looks just like her, but with a different name.
I can't help but wonder if, on Fridays, God wears a t-shirt that says, "Thank Me It's Friday!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE U.S. IS IN A WHOLE LOT OF FINANCIAL DIFFICULTY
#1) New slogan on money: "Use it while you can!"
#2) New grocery story item: "Bald Eagle Helper"
#3) Uncle Sam spotted hanging out at The Money Tree store
#4) There's talk of pawning New Jersey
#5) Statue of Liberty still wearing same dress for over 100 years
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S TOP FIVE EXCUSES FOR FATHERING A LOVE CHILD
#1) "I accidentally told her, 'I'll be back'"
#2) "She must have been sent her from SkyNet!"
#3) "Maria... that wasn't you?"
#4) "Must have time-traveled to the wrong bed"
#5) "It wasn't me. The butler did it"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Just how "Disney" was the royal wedding? Check out this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
PSPS--Hard to believe it was 31 years ago this week. Click here
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack