This Week's Wacks

Our 810th Edition
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May 27th, 2011

Sarah Palin says that, as far as running for president next year, she does have that "fire in my belly." I'd hate to think that her decision to run was affected by a Jalapeņo Jack she had at Jack in the Box.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's putting his acting career on hold. After 13 of playing faithful husband, he's probably exhausted.

Oh, NOW we find out that "Schwarzenegger" is actually Austrian for "doin' the maid!"

This whole Schwarzenegger divorce thing is so interesting. The problem began when he had "Total Recall" and caused Maria to become "The Terminator."

The Cleveland Browns have lost a battle in court to build more parking spaces. The good news, of course, is that parking shouldn't be a problem because they are, after all, the Cleveland Browns.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has decided to try and take back the presidency again next year. George W. Bush--if you're listening, don't even THINK about it!

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels has dropped out as a Republican running for president, shocking lots of people---especially those of us who didn't even know he was running!

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he's postponing his plans to get back into acting until after he works out things with his marriage. In his words, "I'll eventually be back!"

Funny, but I had things pictured quite differently after the world came to an end.

No rapture. No rap? -- Sure! Either way, I'm fine.

The Seattle Mariners have had both great pitching and clutch hitting lately. I mean, if those aren't two of the signs of the end of the world, I don't know what is!

President Obama is kicking off his European tour with a visit to Ireland. During that time, he'll change the spelling of his last name to O'Bama.

Give Jimmy Kimmel credit for this one: "American Idols" are idols the same way that American cheese is cheese.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's being sold BYOM -- Bring your own maid.

Well, time to get out there and hit those "After Rapture" sales.

I've been predicting all week that this year's American Idol winner will be a teenage country singer.

Justin Bieber's new fragrance for women comes out next month. What woman wouldn't want to attract a teenage boy? OK, maybe not a show of hands on this one...

Harold Camping, that elderly California minister who proclaimed the world would end May 21st, now says the rapture will happen sometime in October. I always get May and October mixed up... thus, that time I went trick or treating on Memorial Day weekend.

The end of the world DIDN'T happen last weekend. I'll bet Katie Couric feels silly giving up her job now.

May I be the first to say: "I miss Oprah."

Wednesday was National Wine Day. Who knew there were people who only observed that holiday once a week?

A friend of mine said he didn't lift anything last Saturday because he had heard that it was "the day of the rupture!"

The good news: the apocalypse didn't occur last weekend, as predicted, and the world didn't end. The even better news: THIS isn't heaven!

I knew this was only a matter of time. Thanks to an unfortunate mix-up at the Pentagon, Seal Team Six just accidentally stormed the headquarters of Yo Gabba Gabba.

It seems that Kirstie Alley lost so much weight while competing on Dancing With the Stars that she is no longer being considered for the 10th planet.

President Obama committed the ultimate goof in protocol the other day during a toast to the queen.  Not only did he keep talking during the national anthem, but he also made the toast during Oprah's last episode.

There was a time when "Seal Team 6" would have meant a group of performing animals at Sea World.

Lady Gaga looked pretty stunning at the finale of American Idol.  It wasn't what she wanted to wear, but her good meat dress was at the butchers.

Now that Oprah's show is over, what am I going to watch when I take off early and say I'm going to work from home?

Former President Bush attended a baseball game this week and was almost hit by a foul ball.  Hey, that's what you get for letting Dick Cheney take batting practice.

A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress.  I prefer to spend that time writing relaxing poetry in the dust of the coffee table.

Someone said that "Dancing actually improves your memory!" The ironic part:  I don't remember who said it.


  1.     Ticks (or is that too redundant?)
  2.     Brett Favre's last name having the "v" before the "r"
  3.     Why Goofy can talk but Pluto can't.
  4.     Donald Trump -- are you in or out?
  5.     Lists of things that tick people off


  1.     Arnold Schwarzenegger & his maid once asked to borrow that room
  2.     Dog with muddy paws refuses to step on it
  3.     Clean it, but only after you rake it
  4.    The kids are making dirt angels
  5.    That brown rug used to be white

Laugh a little, would ya?


PS--Did you see Osama bin Laden's last Facebook post?  Check out this week's E-Mail of the Week page.
PSPS--Saying goodbye to "Hayhead Ray". Click here
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