The president has signed an extension of the Patriot Act. This according to recorded conversations that I can't tell you how we got.
Oprah had her biggest audience in years last Wednesday... then, later that night, American Idol had 30-million people watching its finale. Doesn't anybody work anymore?
Now they're saying that too much hand-sanitizer can make you test positive for alcohol consumption. Remember, friends don't let friends drive with sanitary hands.
The first single from our brand-new American Idol Scotty McCreery is called "I love you this big." Good luck with that, Scotty. That line has never ever worked for me.
Coffee prices continue to climb, which is scary. I've heard this show decaffeinated and it's not a pretty site.
Amy Winehouse is back in rehab... she said, "Sure, sure, sure."
Snooki rear-ended a police car while driving in Italy, filming "Jersey Shore." Those of you who felt she was an accident waiting to happen: you're done waiting!
Paris Hilton says that's she ready to blow-up her party girl image. Funny how easily the words "blow-up" and Paris Hilton go together.
A politician in Toronto says that his camera on his phone must have accidentally gone off in his pocket... and THAT'S how a picture of his penis ended up on his Twitter account. I might believe in a Gasoline Price Increase Fairy before I'd believe that one.
A new study says that 1 out of every 10 toys from China is unsafe. Good thing I buy them at Toys 'R Us instead of going to China.
The World Health Organization is warning that using cell phones could cause brain cancer. I don't believe know if I that.
They say that 2010 was a record year for greenhouse gas emissions. See, and this is why I am so against greenhouses.
The World Health Organization says there's a link between cell phones and cancer. That's why I always tell the guy taking a call in the movie theater to take his time...
The government is run by leaders. Leaders -- people we're supposed to follow -- run the government. So that means we should all just completely ignore how much we're earning and just increase our debt ceilings?
Medical marijuana. Isn't that like saying, "Medicinal martini?"
Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. They had a pretty frank discussion. He told Palin that he didn't think she could win the election and she told Donald that his hair made him look like something she'd shoot at from a helicopter.
Toyota has recalled over 100,000 of their Prius models. So far, 12 mechanics have been hit because they didn't hear the cars coming in for repairs.
If Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen really are a couple, we've gotta come up with a couples name, like Bennifer or Brangelina. Let's see---Timsen? Olake? There's Justinash. Needs work.
Shaquille O'Neal is retiring from the NBA after 17 seasons. Yep, he's going to hang things down. (he's too tall to hang them up)
A Tweet from Congressman Anthony Weiner was sent by Twitter to a college student in Washington State, supposedly showing an aroused man in his boxer shorts. The congressman says he was hacked, although you can't tell by the picture.
Although now we have confirmation he leans to the left.
This story won't go away and has brought shame and disgrace to the name of Weiner, if that is possible.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S REALLY JUNE
Are you sure? My street Rolex says it's May 32nd!
Washington National fans have already started saying "Wait until next year"
Just about time to sabotage the lawn mower
Dads & grads this, Dads & grads that...
Costco putting out their Christmas stuff
TOP FIVE SIGNS SARAH PALIN PLANS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Those "Palin Planning to Run in 2012" bumper stickers I've seen
She's constantly wears running shoes
When she said the other day, "This time I want more than just vice"
Tina Fey feeling job security
She says she can see a nomination from her front porch
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Haven't seen that Twitter picture yet from Congressman Weiner? It's here in this week's E-Mail of the Week.