This Week's Wacks

Our 815th Edition
"As Pedro said to Juanita when she didn't tell the truth, "July!"
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July 1st, 2011

In Washington, D.C., a bar called Dirty Martini is selling a 48-ounce drink called "The Big Dirty." I think a better name would be either "Call the attorney" or "Take my keys, please."

Writings found from the final days of Osama bin Laden indicated he wanted to change the name of al-Qaeda to improve its image. Being a terrorist organization can have a negative connotation.

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on "Tweeter." My guess is that he also has a page up on I'm Spaced.

Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States early. Apparently, the whole experience must have made her feel so "governor."

New York legalized gay marriage over the weekend! Ironically, many gay couples headed straight to the justice of the peace.

Chris Brown won 4 BET awards Sunday night. There was even one category in which he beat Rihanna. Maybe I should say "won over" Rihanna.

My wife bruises SO easily. Just yesterday she got a bruise when I poked her on Facebook!

I told a friend that I went to the local Pride Parade on Sunday and he said, "That's so gay!"

I've decided I can probably skip reading Bristol Palin's life story and still live a content and fulfilled life.

Microsoft is experimenting with sending out WiFi signals on TV frequencies. This could blaze the trail and put us on the fast track to Spam reruns!

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 charges resulting from his attempt to sell President Barack Obama's former U.S. Senate seat. He's going to appeal, but this could mean a lengthy prison sentence... with his hair bringing even more time for bad behavior.

When the judge announced Blagojevich was found guilty, he responded with, "Oh, yeah? I've got a couple million dollars here that says I'm not!"

Hugh Hefner has already moved on and has a new girlfriend: 27-year-old Canadian Anna Sophia Berglund. I'm glad he's with someone closer to his age now.

Glenn Beck says that he was attacked by people in New York. Yeah, I'm surprised it only in New York, too.

A top Russian astronomer says he expects humans to encounter extraterrestrial civilizations within the next two decades. That is, if you're not already including the Kardashians.

A bus-size asteroid missed the earth by 7,500 miles on Monday. Sorry you missed the opportunity to worry about it.

Google is going to come out with their own version of Facebook, called "Google Plus." It's designed for the person who isn't already wasting enough time.

A new study found that 10 percent of toddlers are overweight. This would explain why Pampers came out with a new size: OMG!

I discovered one of my co-workers is gay. Happened last Friday when he called into work "proud."

Denise Richards has adopted a baby girl.  My guess is, so that at least one of her three kids won't have the Charlie Sheen demon seed in them.

Lindsay Lohan has been released from house arrest.  That's where you're not allowed outside and you have to stay in your home and watch episodes of "House" all day.

In the old days, a "blue movie" was another way of saying porn.  Today, it means SMURFS!


  1.     Bad sign: he's facing away from the water
  2.     Uh, he's wearing water wings
  3.     He's fully dressed
  4.     I don't think a one-hour tanning break is in the contract
  5.     He put up sign -- "No drowning after 2pm"


  1.     Club Jihad
  2.     War-Mart
  3.     Infidels Anonymous
  4.     Mothers Against a Peaceful World
  5.     I can't believe they're not terrorists

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--What if Twitter had been around in the '60's.  See this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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