This Week's Wacks

Our 816th Edition
"Really?  I've done 816 of these darn things?"
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July 8th, 2011

How was your 4th? I've always found it ironic that we celebrate independence by being together.

JFK airport in New York had an unusual problem last Wednesday. Mating turtles were showing up on the runway. FEMA workers immediately began trying to catch them and said they could be done by early 2014.

"To Catch a Predator" host Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife in the same way he caught would-be perverts on his "Dateline" show. To make matters worse, they also have actual footage of him casting the first stone.

Norma "Duffy" Lyon passed away over the weekend at the age of 81. For over 50 years, she created art works made entirely out of butter. However, she once did create a Parkay floor. Butter! Parkay! Butter!

British researchers say that smokers who want to quit have a better chance of quitting if they text. Especially when driving.

Atheists paid to have planes fly over several 4th of July celebrations yesterday, saying things like "God-Less America." Of course, these are the same people who want to change the Pledge of Allegiance to say, "One nation, under water."

Efforts are underway in several states to come up with their own anti-bullying laws. Opponents plan to give them wedgies and shove them in lockers.

The players have been locked out of the NFL... now the NBA. Shut down baseball, hockey and soccer and we may have to actually start talking to each other!

MSNBC has suspended political analyst Mark Halperin for calling President Barack Obama "a dick" on camera. Ironically they suspended him back in 1974 when he called then-president Nixon "an Obama."

The new Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne" didn't do very well at the box office over the weekend. To give you an idea, more Americans dropped bombs on a palace in Libya than saw the movie.

Vinny Guadagnino has announced he's leaving "Jersey Shore." I'm going to miss all those vowels.

I had a dream last night that Katy Perry said I'm a firework... but it was all the wrong reasons.

Actor Daniel Radcliffe says he stays away from alcohol, because once he starts he finds it hard to stop... and, of course, muggles don't let wizards fly drunk.

A giant dust storm swallowed up Phoenix on Tuesday. FEMA is already on the scene, delivering emergency shipments of Pledge.

The giant dust storm is known as a "haboob." Why a haboob? My guess it was named by a guy who liked "haboobies."

He claims the idea came to him while having lunch at Hooters.

A New York man has pled guilty to leaking secrets about the iPad for cash. To make matters worse, he was passing them along on a PC. The sacrilege!

The new owners of Arby's have dropped the words "roast beef sandwich" from the name of the restaurant. From now on, it'll just be called Arby's. I hate change.

I just saw a commercial for glasses that, if you wear them, let's you see the world in high definition. Isn't the world already in high definition?

Moody's Investors Service has downgraded Portugal's credit rating and they say Ireland may be next.  Obviously, they're moodier than normal.

This is "National Cow Appreciation Week".and no, eating a hamburger does not count.

Casey Anthony was found not guilty in a state famous for O.J.  O.J. was found not guilty in a state whose abbreviation is CA, her initials.  Coincidence?  Well, uh, yeah.

TOP FIVE LESSER-KNOWN CHARACTERS IN THE HARRY POTTER SERIES

  1.     Possi Bullsequel
  2.     Light-loafer Leatherchaps
  3.     Sufferin Succotash
  4.     Larry the Wizard Guy
  5.     Dumble-window

TOP FIVE HINTS THAT A WINERY PROBABLY ISN'T VERY GOOD

  1.     Instead of bottles, their wine comes in cans
  2.     Their oldest vintage only goes back 9 hours
  3.     Sign in tasting room: "Blindness isn't our fault!"
  4.     Of all the things to have on your label -- a skull & crossbones?
  5.     Vultures circling the tasting room

TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO IN A GIANT DUST STORM

  1.     Open a car wash
  2.     Make dust angels
  3.     Leave your mouth open and give your tongue a mud bath
  4.     Never inhale, only exhale
  5.     Start printing "I survived Dust storm 2011" t-shirts

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

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