This Week's Wacks
Our 819th Edition
"That's a friggin' lot of jokes!!"
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July 29th, 2011
Vanilla Ice says that Justin Bieber's success won't last. Who would know better? I think the two should do a duet: "Ice, Ice, Baby, Baby, Baby."
Charlie Sheen has signed up to do a new TV show. The contract is said to have a street value of $20-million.
I see that it's "Heatstroke Week" on the Weather Channel.
Jennifer Lopez is going to get $1-million to perform at a private wedding in Russia... minus, of course, the soon-to-be-ex-husband fee.
That divorce is moving right along. Already J-Lo has quit calling Marc Anthony by name and now simply refers to him as "number 3."
President Obama's 50th birthday is coming up. If you're thinking about getting him a gift, an economic recovery plan would be nice.
The big movie over the weekend was "Captain America" -- an American hero who protects himself against his enemies by reaching for a shield. John Edwards is saying to himself, "Man, why didn't I think of that?"
Pee Wee Herman has a deal for a new movie. Hey, I'm all for Pee Wee being back in movie theaters, I just don't him sitting behind me.
Because of the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans replied, "If you keep those unemployment checks coming -- no problem!"
A California man who was found guilty of stalking women on Facebook has been sentenced to four years in prison and 10 years on MySpace. That'll teach him!
The last time the Seattle Mariners won a game, we thought J-Lo and Marc Anthony were doing OK.
In the latest episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," Kim Kardashian revealed a rash that turned out to be the skin condition psoriasis. Now the real challenge--how in the world can I possibly think any less of her.
A man in China claims he's been drinking gasoline for the past 42 years to relieve his chest pain. His doctor doesn't approve of the practice, but is impressed that he gets 34 miles per gallon.
A new study found that your personality can trigger weight gain. I'm figuring an extra pound per personality in my case.
President Obama says that the budget talks have turned into a circus. This was especially noticeable at the last meeting when all of the members of congress arrived in one car.
Jesse James and Kat von D have split up. Apparently, she wrote him a 'Dear John' tattoo.
Good news for the Seattle Mariners, who have lost 17 games in a row. President Obama is going to ask congress to raise the loss ceiling.
Robert Ettinger, founder of the cryonics movement in the United States has died and had his body placed in a tank of liquid nitrogen. He hopes to some day be revived and brought back to life, but scientists say that could be years in the future. Of course, they said the same thing about the Seattle Mariners winning a game.
A new poll shows that 46% of congress is corrupt…but that they'd lower it to 36% for a couple of grand.
I'm a little nervous about today. My horoscope was, "Stay away from me! Stay away from me!"
Crystal Harris says that sex with Hugh Hefner lasted "like two seconds!" Bragger.
"Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek was injured while chasing someone who had just robbed his hotel room. "Obvious for $1,000, Alex: What's one thing a 71-year-old game show host shouldn't do?"
Ironic that of all the game show hosts, he'd be the one to put himself in Jeopardy.
Alex, what are you thinking? They're just things! You can always go out and buy another one. They're like vowels that way….
Tropical storm Don is approaching the Texas coast. Scientists are trying to think of a way of slowing it down, outside of making it a part of FEMA.
The United States is $14 trillion in debt. Can't we just put it on our card?
TOP FIVE SIGNS SHE'S ABOUT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU
- Wonder why my suitcases are packed and by the front door?
- Hears the song "Breaking up is hard to do" and she says, "Not really"
- Only puts sheets on her side of the bed
- Kitchen calendar with future commitments used as kindling
- Asks if the Craigslist personals have a "replacements" section.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE ECONOMY STILL HASN'T TURNED AROUND
- The people most likely to become millionaires? Billionaires!
- Guy standing in front of the guy standing at freeway off ramp, holding sign that says, "Will hold your sign for food"
- New title for game show: "Wheel of... A Couple of Bucks"
- Unemployment rate and President's Approval Rating approaching each other
- At the beach, banks foreclosing on sand castles
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS-- Sister Terri has a warning for everyone in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
PSPS--Sports jokes and some Ray Ramsey classic bits on this week's blog. Click here
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