This Week's Wacks

Our 822nd Edition
"8-22, boop-boop-bee-doo"
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August 26th, 2011

Due to vacation last week, I was on the road and unable to pass along a Wacky Week.  So, hang on, here comes a double edition.  I won't let it happen again, until my next vacation.

The world's largest fishing lure was unveiled in Florida.  It's 12-feet long and weighs over 355-pounds.  Imagine how big the fishing pole has to be!

Apple is now worth more than any other U.S. company, including Exxon…and, last I remember, there has never been an iPod spill.

So, when President Obama said he had 'good news about Jobs'…he was referring to Steven.

One day, I'm going to go out on the golf course and hit my age.  That's my goal.  Well, that and living to be 136.

A new poll says that 78% of Americans are dissatisfied with the federal government. Yeah, I'm surprised it's that low, too.

The tiny Pacific isle of Niue is going to put Luke Skywalker on its coins.  Niue is a part of the Geek islands.

A new poll shows that 42% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck.  What's worse is that the remaining 58% of Americans wish they were doing that well!

Among your choices on overseas Qantas Airlines flights these days: a documentary on the female orgasm.  I'll watch what she's watching.

Wine case sales have increased for the 17th year in a row.  You're welcome.

U.S. consumer confidence has fallen to an all-time low.  Well, you know what, I'm not buying that.  Then again, that's the problem.

Like a lightbulb going on, I've realized the cycles of the work life: Because people think you're too young, bust your butt to prove yourself--Now I don't have to work hard, I've proven myself--People think I'm too old and can't do it, so I have to work hard and prove myself--I'm just too old for this sh@#$.

President Obama's popularity rating has dipped to under 40 points.  At this rate, by election time next year, he'll actually owe points.

President Obama is on a 3-day bus tour of the Midwest, so he can hear from voters himself on subjects like the economy.  The good news is that most of them won't have to take any time off of work in order to see him.

New research says that 15 minutes of daily exercise is enough to help you live longer.  Still waiting for the research on the 15 minutes a month plan.

Apparently Kathy Griffin ran into Michelle Bachmann in an elevator and there was a conflict. I'm conflicted over who I care less about.

Early warning that "National Punctuation Day" is coming up September 24th….period!

Monday was "National Relaxation Day"?  Really?  Worked right through it!

In New York, Barney's department store is going to kick out Santa this holiday season and is turning the entire fifth floor over to Lady Gaga for Gaga's Workshop.  Let that be a reminder, kids: if you're not good, your gift this year is coming from Gaga!

I can just see Gaga's Workshop-little elves, dressed in meat outfits.

People Magazine is doing a poll, asking the question: "Now that Kate Goselin's TV show has been canceled, what should she do?" Have we already tossed out the answer, "Be a mom"?

Salma Hayak said her breasts make her happy. Welcome to the club!

Actually, Salma tells Allure Magazine that her breasts were a gift from God. She dipped her hands in Holy Water and prayed that she would get large breasts and, well, the rest is history. Makes you want to be a History major, doesn't it?

Abercrombie & Fitch is offering to pay the cast of Jersey Shore NOT to wear their clothes on the TV show, because the company says they're hurting their brand. In other words, the same deal I've got.

I've already figured out Obama's 2012 campaign slogan: "We couldn't, but we can if we get four more years!"

Kevin Federline has become a dad for the 5th time. Can't we have him fixed?

According to a new study, 79% of American parents say that public schools are doing a great job... and 9 out of 7 say they were particularly impressed with their child's math education.

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann is making a campaign promise to take us back to the days of $2 gas. The trick is going to be building a Delorean big enough for the entire country to fit!

Aren't we on the way there now? By making $5 worth $2?

32-year-old Susanne Eman of Casa Grande, Arizona, is eating 20,000 calories a day to try and become the world's fattest woman. Hey, we all need goals.

Danny Devito now has his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He's close enough to the sidewalk, he might as well.

Why is it they have an ap for everything EXCEPT how to fix our economy?

Former President Bill Clinton says he's now a vegan. Of course, it all depends on what your definition of meat is.

A lot of uncertainty in Libya these days. In fact, the only thing we know for sure is that Gadhafi colors his hair.

Gerard Depardieu has apologized for peeing in a jet when the flight attendants told him it would 15-minutes until he could use the restroom. It would have probably been more sincere if he hadn't peed it into another rug.

Joe Biden visited China and to show how pro-American he was, he only put his foot in his mouth if he was wearing shoes made in the U.S.!

Simon Cowell says when he dies, he wants to be frozen. Some would say he's most of the way there already.

Libyan rebels say they now have the nation's capitol under control. Maybe when they're done over there, we could get them to come here!

Apparently in Libya, Gadhafi is still standing. It's been over four hours so he's going to see a doctor.

The son of a leader who is no longer in charge and rarely seen made an appearance today. I'm just not sure if we're talking about the son of Gadhafi or Schwarzenegger.

A NASA study also showed the benefits of napping, revealing that a quick 26-minute nap can boost performance by as much as 34 percent. Or maybe I just dreamt that at work.

Jockey Calvin Borel, a three-time winner of the Kentucky Derby, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving in Indiana. Police became suspicious when they noticed a man with a crop, hitting his car to make it go faster.

Brittny Gastineau caught the bouquet at Kim Kardashian's wedding last weekend. Tradition says she'll be the next to get married. Common sense says she'll be the next to log on to EBay.

A big earthquake hit the east coast on Monday, hitting 5.8 on the Richter scale... and so far, Kevin James has experienced three aftershocks.

Moammar Gadhafi says that those rebels that took over his country are traitors and that he's not afraid of them... as long as they don't know where he is...

My watch must be running fast. Just woke up a couple of hours ago and already it's beer-thirty.

Moody's has now downgraded Japan's credit rating.  Is it just me or does Moody's seem moodier.

Steve Jobs shook up the computer industry this week with his latest invention: a letter called the iResign.


  1.     His name recognition problem. No one could remember his name was... uh...
  2.     After 10 fundraising events, he owes money
  3.     Campaign headquarters is in his head
  4.     The only thing he got in the recent Iowa Straw Poll was straw
  5.     It turns out he was Arnold Schwarzenegger's real dad


  1.     You named your children Grande and Venti
  2.     Starbucks seriously considering putting a store in your kitchen
  3.     Insist the kids take a bath with no foam
  4.     You want the country to change its name to the United States of Americano
  5.     They've named at least six drinks after you.

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS-- A very important health warning in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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