This Week's Wacks

Our 824th Edition
"Even though, for our German readers, the date says 9-9"
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September 9th, 2011

There was a 7.1 earthquake off the coast of Alaska on Friday morning. Sarah Palin said she could see her front porch shaking from her front porch.

Chinese investors are among those interested in buying the Los Angeles Dodgers. Can the intentional wok be far behind?

Kim Kardashian says she's ready for kids. Then hopefully, they'll grow up and do whatever it is she has done.

Chaz Bono says he can't wait to show America he can dance on "Dancing with the Stars." He's even planning to do a Broadway show afterwards, "All that Chaz."

Just wondering: do you think we could pray away Michelle Bachmann?

Justin Bieber was in a minor car accident while driving his Ferrari. Fortunately, he had built-in air bags on his car seat.

Apparently, there are some problems with the merger between T-Mobile and A-T-and-T. They tried doing the final negotiations by phone and the calls kept dropping out.

In a recent interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Must be because of all those times Obama has been told to "go fly a kite!"

Ford is sinking a billion dollars into a new factory that will create 5,000 jobs... ... in India. Yep, Ford has a better idea.

Lauren Bush, granddaughter to former President George H.W. Bush and niece of George W. Bush, married David Lauren, son of fashion designer Ralph Lauren on Sunday. She's now Lauren Lauren. Her favorite group: Mister Mister. They plan to honeymoon in Walla Walla. I'm noticing a pattern here.

President Obama and congress have hit all-time ratings approval lows. Both are trying to get unlisted numbers.

Yahoo's Chairman of the Board fired the company's CEO over the phone on Tuesday. You'd think being Yahoo, he'd at least do it by email.

A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog. But before the bear left, he apparently stole her pic-a-nic basket.

Regis Philbin has announced his exit date from "Live with Regis and Kelly": November 18th. Maybe we should have put him in charge of Afghanistan?

Swedish automaker Saab has filed for bankruptcy. The reason, according to the company president, was "Hur dee hur dee hur dee" or something like that.

A 39-year-old man was arrested after he tried to rush the exit door of an Alaska Airlines jet on Monday. That'll teach 'em to show Carrot Top movies in-flight.

I've never been good at foreign languages. All this time I've been saying Puffachangs. It's P.F. Changs. Live and learn.

In San Diego, a guy wearing a Gumby costume tried to rob a 7-11 store. Of course, now he's in the Pokey.

Reese Witherspoon was struck by a car while jogging near Los Angeles on Wednesday morning and suffered minor injuries.  Another example of how exercise can be bad for your health.

President Obama made a speech on TV Thursday night, telling the nation he is going to create jobs. Isn't that the same speech he told over and over to get elected?

One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy.  As my writers know all too well, it can't be done.

According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter.
You've been looking for a way to get out of sending Christmas cards….

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 Buffalo wings. Needless to say, she won't be invited to come over and watch any more football games.

A 36-year-old man was caught after he broke into singer Celine Dion's Montreal home. After grabbing a snack from the fridge, he was drawing water to take a bath when police arrived.  He was arrested and taken away, but his heart will go on.

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah was still using Viagra pills at the grand old age of 92, according to State Department documents released this week by Wikileaks.  And all this time, we thought he ruled with an iron fist.

Bank of America announced they're going to close 600 branches…and also change their name to 'Bank of Some of America'.


  1.     Norm needs counseling after his coffee becomes lukewarm
  2.     Ruth's sister is actually Mary's ex-husband's evil twin brother. Huh?
  3.     Erica's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face
  4.     Tom admits he's having an affair with himself
  5.     Biggest controversy in town: the big stapler recall


  1.     "Desperate House Flies"
  2.     "The Office: Break Room Edition"
  3.     "C.S.I.: Mayberry"
  4.     "Beverly Hills Bar Flies"
  5.     "How I met your third cousin's roommate"

Laugh a little, would ya?

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