This Week's Wacks

Our 825th Edition
"825 ain't no jive"
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September 16th, 2011

Neil Diamond has announced he's engaged to his agent. He loves her 115%. Neil gets the 100, she gets the 15%.

McDonalds had lower-than-expected sales in August. Hey, I did my part? Where were the rest of you slackers?

Michelle Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education. Actually, it are pretty unnecessary.

President Obama gave his big speech the other night on job creation. Several Republicans said later that it was the first time they could say they didn't believe in creation.

It's so hot, Lady Gaga showed up in her egg and came out poached.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. That's the good news. Now, about your colon...

Justin Bieber says he wants to be a young dad. Looks like it's time for mom and dad to have 'that talk' with him.

Over the weekend, President Obama said that America does not give in to fear. That may be true, but we do cave to Dairy Queen Blizzards, Double Decker cheese burgers, all-you-can-eat buffets...

Greece is said to be close to going bankrupt. A financial ratings institution declared them "the Nicholas Cage of Europe."

Massage is a touchy subject.

Miss Angola is the new Miss Universe. As for me, Miss Ditall.

Mick Jagger says he doesn't have a single tattoo on his body. For good reason: most tattoo artists were too afraid they'd catch something.

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. In 1st place, Switzerland. Man , they must sell a bunch of cheese.

Now they're claiming that watching too much SpongeBob Square Pants could cause kids to have short-term attention and learning problems. And to make matters worse, they're saying that watching too much SpongeBob Square Pants could cause kids to have short-term attention and learning problems.

Justin Bieber says he wants to be a young dad. Hey Justin, I can help: gimme your phone number, I'll set the alarm and then call you every night for six months at 2am and say, "Feed me!"

Niger confirmed that Saadi Gaddafi, one of the sons of deposed and fugitive Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, has moved into the presidential villa.  Apparently, Gaddafi is Arabic for "Kardashian".

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank…or, at least, we think it was a mask and not part of his economic recovery program.

It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were on a playground in elementary school.  Apparently, little Michelle Bachman tried to break them up by trying to "pray the play away".

I'm thinking the Republicans are going to have a hard time convincing people they represent America when they keep scheduling their debates on TV opposite football games.

A Toys 'R Us store manager in Britain has been accused of spending $31,000 a week of store money on call girls.  Apparently, he didn't want to grow up, either.

Scarlett Johansson has called in the FBI after someone hacked into her cell phone and grabbed some nude photos of her.  Who knew we had that in common?  I have nude photos of her on my camera, too!

That's it.  I'm calling it a day.  To avoid confusion with other people, I'm going to call it 'Friday'.

There was a 6.0 earthquake in the waters between Cuba and Jamaica.  No injuries, but so far, damage estimates are well above $10.

Australia is going to add a third category to their passports: male, female and transgender.  Once again, leading the way down under….

Lots of people saw a meteor streak across the southwest sky, including members of vegans, who have asked that instead of meteor, we call them tofu-eors.


  1.     Private America
  2.     The Garlic Avenger
  3.     Bratman
  4.     The Green Tomato
  5.     Laundry Man


  1.     Sing "California Angels we have heard on high"
  2.     Gift wrap the garbage before taking it out
  3.     Hang socks up by the chimney to dry
  4.     Put up a tree, but just hang coats on it for now
  5.     Call them "Columbus Day Lights"

Laugh a little, would ya?

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