This Week's Wacks

Our 826th Edition
"How does he keep going?"
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September 23rd, 2011

How's this for a bumpersticker: "Honk if you're against people randomly honking their horn"?

Denmark has elected their first female prime minister. Don't expect her to break out in the song, "There is nothing like a Dane!"

A company in Denmark is making a solid gold phone that costs more than $57,000. You could call it "ring bling"... or maybe they should give it the name, the iM-rich.

$57,000 for a cell phone? Seems like an awful lot of money just to tick off someone in a movie theater.

A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called "Stoner Avenue." It's weird. Every time there's a meeting, residents show up, forget what they were going to complain about and then hit the cafeteria.

So, someone remind me: why did I watch the Emmy's last night? I spent three hours watching people I've never heard of winning awards on shows I've never seen.

One of life's golden rules--always check to make sure the cap is tight before you shake the orange juice.

Let me summarize the Emmy's for you: a bunch of people you never heard of won awards for shows you didn't know existed and Jon Stewart won again.

The country of Greece is in real economic trouble. They're messed up enough to be the next guest on Comedy Central's Celebrity Roast.

To make matters worse for the Greeks, this year's pledge class is way down.

NASA says a 12,500 satellite the size of a school bus will come crashing to earth on Friday. Where? They don't know... but they plan to try and stop it with a railroad crossing.

Scientists have discovered the fossilized remains of a 7-million year old beaver. If Leslie Nielsen were here, he'd be saying, "Quite impressive."

Like the president says, if we just all buckle down, we can still achieve great things and make the American dream come true for everyone... as long as we find enough rich people to pay for it all.

Octoberfest has already begun in Germany. As you can imagine, by Novemberfest, the entire country is pretty drunk.

Imagine an entire country setting aside a season to celebrate with drinking. Germany calls it "Octoberfest." We refer to it as "football season."

The military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy has officially ended. When it actually expired, I don't know... I asked and no one would say anything.

I watched Ashton Kutcher make his debut Monday night. It felt like I was watching two and a half "That 70s Shows."

Yeah, the country is in pretty bad financial shape, but it could be worse. We could be being run by the folks in charge of Netflix.

How about that? The U.S. military ended their "Don't ask, don't tell" policy on the same day that Seattle Seahawks fans put it into effect.

Give Jaley Fulton credit for this one: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About a gallon."

Illinois is going to spend $200-million to build a wind farm. Hopefully none of the people involved with it will invite me to join in on Facebook.

Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They say if it doesn't taste bad, they might do the same thing to the menu in their restaurants.

Ron Artest was the first celebrity voted off of "Dancing with the Stars." I'm sorry, he changed his name to Metta World Peace... and he was told to Getta the Heck Out!

Obama bought equipment to brew his own beer in the White House. I have a feeling the next State of the Union speech is going to have a bathroom break.

28-million people tuned in for "Two and a Half Men" on Monday night. In a related story, President Obama announced that for his next State of the Union speech, Vice-President Joe Biden would be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

The interim Prime Minister announced on Wednesday that Libya will have a new government within the next 7 to 10 days. I'm not suggesting anything, but where do you sign up for something like that again?

A new study shows that you can eat less and lose weight if you….switch the hand you eat with.  Of course, those who eat with their feet really drop the pounds!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a memoir, but promises that it won't be a "tell-all" book. Then I'll promise not to buy it.

If he had any sense of humor, the book would include the credit, "As told to Al B. Back."

R.E.M. has announced that, after three decades of making music, they're breaking up.  It's the end of the group as they know it.

A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. So who's going to tell him that he messed up?

NASA scientists say that they're expecting a satellite to come crashing back to earth this week and burn up in the atmosphere.  Oh, wait--I'm sorry…they're talking about Charlie Sheen.


  1.     She's constantly singing, "Go ahead, stop believin'"
  2.     Tells you she doesn't feel like "Lovin', touchin' or squeezin' tonight
  3.     Refers to Steve Perry as "the quitter"
  4.     Looks uncomfortable whenever the song "Faithfully" comes up
  5.     Guitar picks keep showing up in the dryer lint trap


  1.     All it does is make phone calls
  2.     You have to power it up with jumper cables
  3.     It's the "Win the Korean War" edition
  4.     Your shoe is actually smaller
  5.     People ask you to write a letter instead of call

Laugh a little, would ya?

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